


Light my darkness

by MariaGermanotta



Series: Light my darkness [1]
Category: Coronation Street
Genre: Angst, F/F, Friendship, Romance, Sexual Content, lesbian
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-30
Updated: 2012-11-30
Packaged: 2017-11-19 21:49:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 28,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/578013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MariaGermanotta/pseuds/MariaGermanotta
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sophie was lost, she felt like she didnt belong but then she found out the part missing, her other half that completed her, but life is never that easy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Innocence

All started with a harmless meeting of 4 friends who have had been so caught up with their last year in college that they wouldnt be able to make some time for their friends. As for Sophie…she wasn't really too sociable those days. She felt safer alone, more complete or realized, something she couldn't even explain. She just felt lonelier with people than on her own. Despite with Sian,her best friend, who knew her better than anyone so she shared out her time between studying, her room and Sian. However the girls decided to meet up. from that time clear up to the present something changed, maybe they didn't perceive it, maybe they didn't want to. Since that name left Sophie's mouth, Sian knew, nonetheless she didn't know anything at all. The only one that discerned the twist, although it wasn't abrupt, was Sophie. The moody one, the one that believed in true feelings. The reason why the dark haired girl locked herself into her room, thinking, reading, writing was because she found out the truth, after a year of wrestling with herself she embraced the truth, but kept hiding it, on fear of change,fear of the others who could keep her soul away from her. Because the truth was that she wasn't complete at all, none of us are. We all born and live struggling with our flawed body. We think we born as a complete circle, however we are only half of it, and that is the real purpose of life, not simply do ,but enjoy, but find our other half, that allow us to live, not just walk through life. And Sophie discovered her other half, only to find out, she was not hers.

Sophie’s pov

Its been 2 months since our last year in college started, and even though we promised that we would stick together, every one of us have chosen our own way. It is understandable, our life stands in front of us and we have to make the decision which will define our future. Of course Sian and I are as close as always, we cant just walk away from each other, besides we are in the same class, but Tina is always out partying or getting laid and Katy is studying or with Chesney. As for me I don’t know…I spend most of my time in my room, reading, or with Sian, but she is currently dating Ryan and we cant do everything together as we used to, at least I got her on my life. However since I told her about my sexuality we’ve been closer than before. It took me ages to gather the courage and talk to her, and either way I told her about it because I was drank. My mom is not so…modern to say it some way, and she is always saying some homophobic comment, so since I was a child I got used to think that being with someone of your same sex was wrong, I felt wrong. The way my mother educated me made me feel gross and disgusting, something that I wish no one could suffer. That is the reason why last year I was or wasted, or crying, or just snogging with some random bloke. So this summer Sian and I went to a party and got drunk as we always did, but this time I was sure that I had a thing for girls too, so I took her to some alley where no one could hear us and I told her. She was so nice and said that I was the same Sophie she loved 5 minutes before, so she was good with it unless I was going to rape her some of that nights when we were wasted. Not funny I know but in the state we were we started laughing and ended both lying on the floor in the middle of the night.

However, that day I was waiting for Sian, who had to come over mine before we met the girls to have lunch. We had to review a course work that we had to present on Monday. She stormed past me when I opened the door.

“ Make yourself at home” I sang still holding myself onto the door as I almost fell over thanks to Sian

“Keep your knickers on Webster I am starving as if you could complain of a hot blonde pushing you into the door” she said cheekily flicking the kettle on. “Oh and where is that blonde I would love to meet her Powers” I said looking aroud the room”Don’t blind yourself with that phone Sophie, I know you fancy me” she said coming back to the living room where I was on the sofa with my iphone. “You wish Powers! Is it that Ryan doesn’t give you what you need?” I laughed. “As if you know what is it” she stated cocking her eyebrow”I do know, indeed.” I said lifting myself up to got my tea brushing past her. We spent the morning revising everything until Katy and Tina came to pick us up. It was fun to spend time with them again I didn’t realised how much I missed them. After the food and the film we decided that we weren’t ready to go home as we got the week end free, we headed to a pub to have some drinks.

The conversation flowed, but some where I wasn’t ready to. Tina started gossiping about our mates and class, while I was focusing on my phone trying not to claim any attention. Even though I should have known that a very tipsy Sian was focusing her attention on me.

“So tell me about the guys on your class? Anyone I could meet?” tina smirked while Sian and I started gossiping.”Tom is ok, and Dave I guess, but I prefer Josh if you ask me” sian stated. “Nah, Dave is more handsome and nicer” I replied looking at tina, not noticing sian from the corner of my eye dropping her smile” oh so our little webby has a suitor. Then he is the one you’ve been texting all day isn’t he?” they all stared at me expectantly. I didn’t go out or anything in a while now. Before the summer I could snogg with whoever crossed my sight, but since I talked to sian about my sexuality I saw it rather clear, I didn’t want to waste more time on people. So they waited for my response “no its just…he is really nice and we’ve been talking for a while now. Just talking Tina.”

After that night neither Sian nor I approached the subject. That night I realised the way I looked at Sian, the way I felt something burn inside of me every time she talked about Ryan, the way her clothes hanged around her perfect body. Of course I always knew she was well fit, I got eyes you know, but something inside me was screaming over the earplugs I put myself, even though it was more lust than anything else since everytime we were together there was a tension building up. I started going out with Dave though, but nothing serious, just messing around, and obviously I had to tell my best friend. I got my ups and downs before I decided to give it a go, but knowing full well the person I wanted to be with, or rather inside of was shagging her boyfriend gave me a little prod. Actually I didn’t even work out my own feelings, I just saw the evidences. I always did as I was told by her, I always thought about please her before me…

We barely talked about it but one night, I was sleeping over at hers as we spend the whole Saturday studying.

“So..how are things with Dave” she asked nonchalantly gathering books and notes.”I don’t know he is fine. We got a lot in common and stuff.”I said lying on her bed.” So you want to be with him then?”

“I don’t know I don’t want to take it serious, I am good as I am now I don’t want to push it further.However….there is something killing me Sian” I said sitting forward on the bed”ok this is awkward…I really…I don’t like how he kisses” I said quickly as I blushed deeply.She rised her eyebrows after finishing tiding up “But you fancy him or not?” I nodded and she continued” then you’ll get used to it don’t worry. Soph I just…I don’t see you really into it if you know what I mean. As far as I know he has real feelings for you and you…you don’t Soph.”

“I know and maybe I am not doing the right thing but im fed up of thinking of everyone else before me, I am having fun and I feel loved. For now I don’t need anything else.”

We dropped the subject, and since then never talked about it again. The time passed faster than I thought with all the exams and soon it was Christmas, and with Dave… he was a gentleman and he always took care of me. Sure I liked him but our relationship wasn’t deep enough for him to be my boyfriend. At first we kind of hid it but when time passed I realised that I could be with who ever I wanted and I didn’t care about what other people would say, at the end of the day it was my life and my happiness what mattered.

\---

It was the first time we were properly going out on new years and Sian and I had made big plans for it. We were going to a hot club in town with all our friends and classmates, and of course Sian was going to have dinner at the Websters, as she always did since we were kids. I know it is weird, but her family is not the one everybody wants. So Sian arrived after lunch and we watched a film before starting to get ready. She decided to get a shower first while I organized all the stuff we needed, clothes, make up, straightener…She came out with my dressing gown wrapped around her wet body, I could see the water drop down her blonde locks. I stared open mouthed and then grabbed my clothes and rushed to the bathroom closing the door behind me and holding onto it as I rested my forehead on the surface.

After a cold shower we got ready and had dinner with my parents, Rosie and Jason. Sian by mi side every new years dinner was something I needed, spend the night with her, it made the day special. Her parents should have been worried or something about her daughter spending the last day of the year with other family but they knew that Sian was another Webster and they couldn’t drag her with them, the bond between me and Sian was too strong, since we met when we were just kids on the playground.

The night went by quickly as the drinks and food was devoured. We all stood in the living room for the last few drinks before Ryan picked us up. We went to a park near the club to drink and as midnight was getting closer all our friends entered the club, just Ryan, Dave, Sian and I were the only ones left outside, having a fag and drinking the last bottle of vodka. Even thought we were drunk, like really drunk, I could still feel the goose bumps all over my skin, as Sian saw me shivering she stood up from the bench were she was sat with Ryan and hugged me tight. We stayed like that, she holding me by my shoulders and my arms above her waist loosely. I buried my head in the crook of her neck, getting lost on her scent when the guys started with the comments. Ryan knew about Dave and I as they were mates, but surprisingly he didn’t told anyone.”Look at them” Ryan started pointing at us while talking with Dave” don’t they look cute together”

“they look hot not cute Ryan” Dave laughed as both of them fell backwards on the bench. We started giggling as me and sian drank the rest of the vodka still holding onto each other. “hey girls “I didn’t see this coming at all, you can imagine the look on my face when I head him”I dare you to snogg each other” and with that Dave and Ryan burst into laughter. I stood open mouthed looking at them as a pretty wasted Sian just giggled, how could she! I mean, your boyfriend dare you to ,not to kiss, to snog the face off your best friend and you just giggle, this is surreal. “See Dave, I told ya they don’t have the guts” don’t ask me why, I never thought of Sian in that way. “ and what would we have in return?”Of course I knew that without her I wasn’t able to live, but just as a friend. However in the state we were currently in, we couldn’t turn down a dare, so I grabbed her tightly and we leaned in slowly. At first we were both shocked, testing each other with every movement of our lips. “Oii I said tongues!” Ryan screamed. I opened my mouth and welcomed her tongue as she slided it caressing my own. She brushed her tongue along my lips teasingly. I frowned at first, having the tongue of the most beautiful girl, who happens to be your best friend, a girl! Down your throat is weird. But as seconds passed and Sian’s soft lips caressed mine, the kiss grew more heated and I found myself enjoying the feeling Sian was giving me. I don’t know how long the kiss lasted, all I know is that I lost the sense of reality, even though she tasted of vodka I couldn’t get tired of her flavor. The feeling of joy that overwhelmed my body…I wasn’t even aware of the low temperature of January in our little dresses, I didn’t feel lost anymore. Those days I didn’t feel myself, I felt as if my life was going nowhere, with no destination, but that tongue showed me what real life is, and I wasn’t willing to lose it. Therefore, I realised that weeks before this nonsense started with just a meaningless dare.


	2. Lust

We really had fun that night, we didn’t tell anyone about the kiss though, neither did Ryan and Dave, I guess you cant say ‘ yes we were drunk and my girlfriend cheated on me with her best friend, a girl, in front of me’ Anyway we decided to not give importance to it, until 2 weeks later. We carried on with our life, as if nothing had happened, sian and I didn’t change our behavior around each other. We were still best friends, and that drunk kiss wasn’t going to ruin our friendship. Plus, her parents started having bigger rows and arguments, screaming at each other and at Sian, so we spent most of the time together in my room, studying or just hanging out. We didn’t bring up the subject again but then the dinner thing came, something our mates had prepared as we had a really good time on new years, it worried us, but neither wanted to accept it. By then most of the people knew about Dave, but I never was the affectionate one so I kept my distance when we were in public. However both Ryan and Dave were going to the dinner, and drinking I didn’t trust them, they could say something unintentionally.

We got ready , as always in my house and went to the fancy restaurant in town where everybody was waiting for us. We finished the meal and started drinking when Sian went to the bathroom and I saw my opportunity. Let me explain it, I couple of weeks ago, just 3 days before the kiss, she played a prank on me, a really awkward one. She did something that I wont tell for my own sake, It was the most embarrassing moment in my whole life, and she was going to pay for it. I knew I was being cruel, but payback is a bitch. I stood up too and followed her. I switched off the lights and entered the bathroom locking the door behind me, of course without her acknowledging my action, so she freaked out. One of sian’s fears is to be locked in a room, she is claustrophobic. But she owed me one and I had to do it. “Sian”

“mmhh”

“Don’t freak out, I cant open the door”I said trying to hold my laughter.”WHAT? try It again sophie!” as our eyes got used to the lack of illumination I could see the outline of her body approaching me with her hands raised .She closed the gap still swearing and I grabbed her hand “What the fuck Sophie open the bloody door!”

“I cant Sian!”I said getting closer” Oh my god we are going to run out of air, we are going to be stuck here.Fuck I cant breathe!”

“Ssshhh, Sian its ok, eventually someone will need to use the bathroom don’t worry” I tried to calm her down, even though for me the situation was hilarious as all she had to do was unlock the door. “ What if they don’t?”

She grabbed the handle of the door but before she could reach the bolt I turned around and smashed her against the door. “Sian, listen, calm down I am right here” I got closer to her cupping her cheeks with my hands. I felt her breath hitch my lips as I pressed myself into her. Her breathing fastened as our lips were inches apart “Soph..”she said huskily against my lips. I lowered my hand brushing down her body until I reached the handle and opened the door. “Here you go Sianny” I sad laughing” next time” I moved closer” don’t mess with me” I winked and left her in the bathroom as her jaw hit the floor. She came back and sat opposite to me, but she didn’t talk or even look at me.

I thought I had crossed the line, that she was going to change with me, but our friendship was as strong as always, she kept sleeping over mine at least once a week, and we started studying together. But I think now that how can you kiss your best friend, tease her and then act normal again. I don’t know how I managed to do that, moreover when she was my first kiss with a girl, sure it was a dare, a drank kiss, but it meant a lot to me since it helped me to figure things out, I knew thanks to Sian that I was attracted to girls, the thing is that it made me struggle too since I didn’t know if I was attracted to boys anymore.

Once Sian was with Ryan and I was studying home as Dave couldn’t meet up with me. All of a sudden she called me and asked if I could go out and hang out with her for a bit, she said that she felt like seeing me. I changed into a pair of skinny jeans and my favorite hoody and went to the park where we always meet. It was the back, with trees and a fountain, and usually anyone was there, it was always pretty deserted. We found it when we started skiving off school, we used to buy snacks and drinks and went there to spend the morning together.

So I went there and saw her sat on the grass with her arms around her legs and her head on her knees. She greeted me with that amazing smile of hers and I lay down next to her. She stayed hugging her knees looking at the sight in front of us. “What’s wrong Sian?” I asked confused” Nothing, I just wanted to see ya, we can head back if you-“

“No. Its ok. My super exciting life can wait.” I giggled as she laid down resting her head on my lap. I love how relaxed we felt when we were together.”Soph you look like shit you know, you have sort of sex hair” she said looking up at me and giggling” well thank you very much for your compliments, but why do you think I didn’t just have sex aye?” I said cockily sitting up.

“That I would be jealous.”she said quietly.’ I cant believe she just said that, maybe I imagined that, or maybe I am dreaming, am I dreaming again about Sian? That is just creepy. But am i?’ I know my thoughts are kind of random”you don’t have to be jealous babe, I am totally yours” I replied cheekily, not knowing what I was doing.”You weren’t with dave were you?” I smirked more at her question, playing the game. I lowered my body “No babe, I have sex hair because I was touching myself thinking about you” I whispered trying to sound convincing. She closed her eyes and parted her lips a bit. I giggled and laid back down again on my elbows, away from her, knowing full well the effect I was having on her.” I was only kidding Sian you silly mare!” She changed her position and straddled me easily.”Why do it alone, when you can have me?” she said huskily against my lips, but without actually kissing me, and then got up as quick as she leaned in.”Two can play a game Webster” she smirked and went down the park to a bench which was even more hid. “ So why you didn’t do anything back on that bathroom?” I said as I sat by her side on the bench as close as I could. I raised my hand and placed it on her jaw for her to look at me. She didn’t answered and I caressed her jaw with my hand as I inched closer and closer. “ Are you sure you want to play this game?” she nodded so I placed my legs either side of her, straddling her lap. Still with my hands on her jaw to keep her in place” Here I am keeping you company on a cold park of Manchester so …Then… why don’t I get a kiss?” She smiled before leaning in, I always waited for her to take the last step, and she kissed me. She took my bottom lip between hers as our mouths moved in synch,slowly. I thought that it was going to stay there, but she deepened the kiss making me feel on heaven for the second time of my life. After the kiss we left the park as it was getting late, as friends, as friends that kiss.

Sure I felt like shit cheating on Dave, but I never was fully into him, besides its not really cheat, me and sian were nothing, just messing, playing, and he never was my boyfriend. It was a game for me and sian,or it was what I thought until I realised that Sian made me feel myself again, she made me feel free for the first time in my whole life. I felt complete. Nonetheless a month passed with me waiting for Sian to make a move, but nothing. This girl was fucking with my head. I know that the last time it was me who started it but she was the one who kissed me and I really missed her lips. Both times she kissed me like anyone had before, with all she got making me feel complete.

Since the kiss on the park we’ve been all flirty, I tried to make her jealous with Dave, and I did so, but nothing else. I convinced myself that it is just a game, she is not gay, and I don’t know what I am, we are just messing, having fun and we’d been closer than ever, we talked more, by skype, facebook, whats app, spent more time together…Even there is an old teacher that thinks that we are together. It is really funny cause we always try to wind him up holding hands, hugging, whispering in each other’s ears. The look on his face every time he saw me kissing her cheek is priceless. But Sian was struggling with his subject, so it was a Friday when I went to her house to revise with her as we had the exam at 10. She was all flirty and loving. “Thank you so much Soph” she said standing and kissing my cheek” it really means a lot to me. You have exams too and here you are helping me”I smiled warmly “I am here for you Sian, whatever you need” she sat in my lap and hugged me “I love you Soph” she wrapped her arms around my neck tightly” I love you too Sian” we parted from the hug but she stood in my lap, inches apart from me. She leaned in and kissed me softly at first, waiting for my reaction, but as soon as I reciprocated the gesture she balled her hands in my hair and I placed my hands on the small of her back and her thigh as she slid her tongue on my mouth. It was not hated, or lustful, it was cute, loving. She pecked my lips one last time and then started gathering all the stuff. She grabbed her bag and waited for me on the door of her room. “Don’t I get a kiss then?” I said pouting, she never resisted to my puppy dog eyes. I came to a halt in front of her as she put her hand on my jaw and kissed me, but as soon as I moved to deepen the kiss she moved away” We have plenty of time for that this evening Soph” she winked and opened the door.

We did the exam pretty well even though we had some entertainment studying. The evening came and I was slightly nervous. We were going to stay in her house and watch some movies as she had to go to Southport with her parents later, they were going to spend the weekend there.

We snuggled together in the sofa watching soppy and scary films, but we decided to take it to her room as her parents would be home soon. “I think that you owed me something Powers” I said lying down in her bed and smirking as she tried to avoid me” the massage Sian!”

“Yeah I remember now. But if I do it I want something back” she said placing herself between my legs. I lifted my body to meet hers, wrapping my arms around her waist. “ I guess I know what you want” I said kissing along her ear to her cheek” But” I kissed the edge of her mouth”my massage comes first” I pecked her nose and turned around in the bed laying again. She took 2 minutes to regain her composure and switch on the tv, then she straddled me and lifted my hoody throwing it to her desk. She turned me around to lay on my stomach and she raised my tank top. This massage thing started with some stupid joke, our typical behavior of flirting with each other, but even though it was a joke I was like really enjoying it. I hadn’t been more relaxed in my life, trust me she can do magic with her hands. She sat on my ass and after a while she raised more my tank top and unclasped my bra. It wasn’t to you know do it, it was just to get more room, however it was a turn on. She brushed her hands down my spine as she kissed the top of my back to my neck and then my cheek. I couldn’t take it any longer, still with my bra unclasped I turned around , holding my tank top to cover myself. She was a bit taken back at first but when I raised myself up and our lips connected she smiled into the kiss and lowered me down on the bed again. It wasn’t as gentle as our other kiss, at the park, yet it was sweet but heated. My body felt on fire as she pressed our bodies together, closing every gap possible. As my shirt was still lifted she caressed the skin above my bra, which was hanging loosely inside my tank top, and as she lowered her hand down my belly, I rouse mine from her hip to the edge of her bra. However I always thought that we, the girls, know how girls want to be treated, so even though the situation was well horny, she never pushed me. As our make out session increased on intensity I could feel the heat radiating from my centre and a wave of confidence washed through me, so I lowered my hands to her boot, cupping it with my both hands and pressing her centre into me and the moan that erupted from her lips and vibrated through me increasing the heat between my legs. “Don’t play with fire Webster” she said with a sexy voice while kissing my collar bone.” Cause I am an expert on it” biting on my ear lobe she stroked my sensitive area above my jeans. I chocked and air hitched in my throat at the feeling that sent a shock through my body.” You seem experienced” I said swallowing hard.I bet she could feel the arousal through the material of my jeans as her hand stroked my crotch.

“30 minutes Sian!” We heard from downstairs. Neither one of us moved from our position for at least 5 minutes thinking that we could have been caught, and her dad is worse than my mom. He is the typical that says that gays are invert, insane, and that they have to be cured by a professional. We both loosened our grips and she collapsed on top of me, resting her head on my neck. I wrapped my arms around her and kissed her head.” Sian, this is sooo weird” I said giggling “I know Soph…but I like being with you” she said blushing. Both our confidence selves had left out of the window and we stood awkwardly not knowing what to do next as the moment had passed.” I.. errr… need to pack” she said “sure emm I need to go home anyway, Rosie is waiting for me” we both stood up from the bed and I clasped my bra and threw my hoody on again, gathering my phone and my keys.”So…text me when you arrive ok?”

I went to open the door when she cupped my cheek and left a lingering kiss on my lips.” I don’t want you to go yet.”she kissed me again as I smiled” help me pack please.” I helped her to choose her clothes and pack everything and 30 minutes later, after sharing a well long kiss on her room, we went down stairs and I left to my house.

I was confused, no, I was going crazy, I was driving myself insane replaying the evening and the past few months since the day we meet up with Tina and Katy, since then everything started to change between me and Sian, and I had to realize that we almost did it. Great one Sophie. I still wonder what if we did it that night. Let me tell you something about Sian, she is kind of a slapper when she hasn’t got a boyfriend. Don’t get me wrong I love her and everything, but she sleeps with tons of guys. Weird, I know, she doesn’t seem that kind of girl, but she is gorgeous and can get everyone she desires. Look at me, she got me too, and I wasn’t sure of her feelings. Of course I wasn’t sure of mines either, but I don’t trust her when it comes to heart things, or pants things in this case. Besides it took a whole month to get intimate again, I mean kiss. And this time I didn’t want to wait until she takes the last step, I wanted to kiss her, hold her, make love to her, I know cheesy, I wasn’t like this, but Sian is different and she make me be different. In fact a couple of years ago I was so cheesy and loving, but as time passed I stopped trusting on people and I changed to the not caring person I was then, except for Sian. I wanted to be with Sian in every way.

Plus it didn’t happened obviously because Im a virgin, I’ve never done it before, of course I did some things when I was with Ben, well we lasted almost 2 years, but we were young and I didn’t feel ready. Now I am 18 and I wanted to do it with my best friend, a girl. I didn’t realize that I have a lot of texts and stuff, well snogging the face off Sian is quite entertaining, so after going with Rosie to the Rovers I called Dave, as we weren’t able to talk with the exam and everything. I think I didn’t break up with him then because I was afraid that Sian wouldn’t want to go on with whatever we had, and having Dave, he was kind of a backup, and he made Sian jealous so it was funny. When I hanged up with Dave I saw 1 text and 2 calls from Sian, so I decided to call her too.

“Hi babe how are you?” ‘babe Sophie? Calling her babe already?’ I thought to myself

“ good, and you were have you been, I couldn’t contact”

“Sorry about that I was talking with Dave”

“Half an hour Sophie?” she said in a harsher tone” ouugh whatever.”

“Siaaan, don’t be jealous, you know he is the one” I said laughing” sorry babe I was just kidding” did I call her babe again? Yes I did.Stupid Sophie. At least you are not saying how much you want her right now. Well I guess she already know it with your little game on her room doesn’t she? But you want more, you could have done it Sophie, she was on top of you you stupid.’

“So I am here, stuck with my parents, not able to see ya and you are just joking? Fuck you Sophie!”

“I wish you had” did I just said that out loud? Yes I did.”errm Sian I gotta go call you tomorrow. Love you” I said quickly before she could answer me and i hanged up. She clearly heard me, but I am glad she didn’t say anything about it, I just hope she took it well. Anyway we kept contact that weekend and I missed her like hell. But soon it was over and Monday arrived. The first time I wanted a Monday to come so bad. See how can a girl mess with your head.Anyway That weekend her parents were off again to Southport, so she had her house to herself. Everybody told her to throw a party but she was always saying that she didn’t feel up to it, however she asked me to spend the weekend there with her, and I wasn’t going to say no of course. That week we’d hardly seen each other because of college and I was still so confused about everything. We behaved as friends, as always, still with that flirty glint in our eyes, but nothing more and I didn’t know what to expect from that weekend together. Of course I wanted to kiss her again but I was driving myself crazy thinking of what was she feeling or thinking about it. Besides there is a new girl, who I already knew as she is tina’s friend, and I tried to keep her company. I don’t know why Sian is so jealous about it, it is just that I cant bare to see someone alone, and she is really nice. I sat with her in some classes on Monday, her first day, and Sian didn’t speak to me until we went home, but just small talk. I get that she thinks that maybe I got something with that girl, as Sian is the only one who knew that I am gay, or bi, or whatever, that I fancy girls, but lately she is jealous about everything, and I am enjoying it as a kid in a candy store. I usually was the jealous one, with ryan and stuff, but I didn’t seem to realize it until we actually kissed, I thought it was just friends jealousy. But I was really worried because Tina told me that she was going to do it with Ryan again, I know that I was teasing her but I don’t know it was weird thinking about her with someone else, and more before that day we kind of made out all evening.

So, the weekend arrived and to say that I was nervous is an understatement. I went home to have lunch and then head back to Sian’s, but in the way I kept thinking about everything. It was all a huge mess, she was with Ryan and I was with Dave, but both Sian and I knew that weekend we were going to do it. Fast I know, we’ve been together less than a week, and we are not actually together but I feel like she is the one with who I want to lose my virginity. Also this thing between us has been developing since 6 months ago and I know her for 10 years or so, the thing is that I am not making excuses, I want to do it because after all, after her forgetting about our kiss and trying to act as if anything had happened, I trust her more than anyone else in the world, more that Rosie, more than Tina and Katy, she is the one.

Sure that sometimes I needed someone to talk to that wasn’t Sian, sure that I felt horrible for not telling Rosie about my feelings, but I was so scared, I always went to Sian when I needed someone, but this time was different, and I knew that sooner or later I would end telling Rosie everything as my feelings were eating me up. I remember once that I was chilling in the sofa with Rosie and she brought up Sian in the conversation.

“So sis, what about Sian is she still with that horrible guy?”she asked me while sipping on her red wine”yeah, I know he doesn’t deserve her, but what can I do, I talked to her about it, we don’t keep secrets from each other, besides Dave but she already know about it too.”I replied

“And Dave? I don’t see sparks between you two, I don’t know Soph. If I were you I would fuck him and break up so… Oh don’t put that face you know he is just some way to keep your head occupied don’t lie to me Sophie Webster. But sis…now seriously, I’ve been thinking about something…you and Sian? You know…emm..i mean” she said while I frowned knowing full well what was she about to say” are you together or something? I know you fancy girls, there is no need to lie.”

“WHAT?” I said trying to play it dumb” no Rosie we are just friends and ouughh…just leave it please, I’ll tell you when I am ready”

I hate lying to her but I cant help it, this is too big to go telling people, I just cant. So when I packed everything and told her that I was going to spend the weekend with Sian I tried to ignore her look and leave.

We studied for 2 hours or so because we wanted to get it done and then just chill. She’s always been a great cook so she made dinner for us and I washed the dishes. She told me not to, but I cant just sit and see how she did everything. She kept the distances with me again, and I don’t know why I was surprised. I guess I was all week preparing myself to her rejection but I was secretly hoping that she would come and just kiss me, we were alone after all, if she could kiss in the middle of a park or in front of our boyfriends, well her boyfriend and my…something, she could kiss me in her house when we were on our own. I was aching for her, actually aching. We were sat on the sofa watching telly and I couldn’t tear my eyes from her. She leant full-length and I was opposite to her on the other end with her foots on my lap. As a scary movie came up on the tv she saw me fidgeting with the end of her jeans, so she grabbed my hand and pulled me to lie down with my back to her. She raised herself to have a better sight and wrapped her arm around me. I cuddled into her, entwining our fingers. I was all day needing that kind of contact, don’t get me wrong, we’d been as always around each other, but I didn’t want as always, I wanted more, I needed more. Not as a couple, I didn’t see her as a couple, by then, maybe because she is a girl, but more likely because she was my best friend. As the film ended we were both half asleep so we decided to call it a night.

“Soph”she said turning off the tv” do you want to sleep at my parent’s or something” she asked, so cute” no you silly mare, we always sleep together” I said sleepily”I mean, in the same bed. If you want then I can sleep there or in the sof-“

“No Soph honestly sleep with me”so after that suggestion we tidied up and went to her room.

“oii where are you going?” she asked me with a high pitched voice, showing the shock on her voice as I grabbed my clothes and headed to the bathroom.” I am going to get changed” I said sarcastically raising my eyebrow” Since when do you go to the bathroom instead of changing in the same room as me?”she asked.

I edged close to her and unzipped her jeans slowly” since you enjoy too much the view” I winked and left to the bathroom.

When I came back she was already on the bed so she lifted the duvet and made room for me. At first I was giving her my back but I needed to say something so I flipped around to face her. “Sian” I knew she wasn’t sleeping yet” do I not get a kiss” she smiled as edged closer to me.” You seem to say it a lot lately.” She grabbed the collar of my shirt and pulled me closer to her, into a soppy kiss, letting it linger until she parted from it, but she kept the grip on me and hugged me, so we drifted to sleep in each other’s arms. And of course I dreamed with her, I am not telling you because it was kind of…you know…hot. All I am saying is that involved Sian, her bed, not so much clothes and me obviously.

The first day of our weekend didn’t go as I expected, but I couldn’t complain sleeping with the most beautiful girl in the world by my side. I woke up kind of…horny I may say, hoping that Sian was still asleep and that I didn’t talk on my dream. That would be awkward. I glanced to the clock seeing it was midday already, so I decided to wake up Sian in a…funny way. As I were snuggled into her back with our legs tangled I lowered the strap of her tank top and her bra kissing the skin exposed, still no response. I slipped my hand on her shirt caressing her belly while I kissed her neck, she did some noises, gasps but she wasn’t awake ”mmmmmhhh”

, so I lowered my hand to the waistband of her pants, knowing it was a weak spot. “aaghh Soph” ‘wait, she is still asleep, oh fuck she is having a dream a swell!’ I thought to myself with a smile tugging on my lips at the thought of Sian thinking about me on that way. But she broke my train of thought when Sian turned her head “ are you going to keep on or not?”she said with a flirty look.” Because if you don’t, I think you owe me something instead Webster” I kept my hand caressing her hip, but she turned around laying flat on her stomach. I took the hint and sat on her arse, but before I could do anything she took off her shirt. I started stroking and caressing the skin of her bare back, applying pressure and leaving kisses here and there. I’d never realised how smooth and tanned her skin is, she is beautiful in every way possible. I decided to spun her around to continue exploring her body, I wanted to touch and kiss every inch of her skin, she is so…lickable. Like her body was asking for me to make her tremble, I knew it, I knew she hadn’t had sex with Ryan since 1 week after we kissed for the second time, and that the desire was driving her crazy, oblivious that my body was going insane for her as well. I was dying inside thinking that she had sex with Ryan when all I wanted was her, but knowing that she hadn’t…felt amazing. I still think that we were just friends, even though I fell for her, yes I fell in love with her if you hadn’t made that out before, and I wont love again, I wont love anyone who is not her.

So coming back to the desire this blonde beauty was making me feel, when I straddled her I held myself up with my hands either side of her head, taking in all her beauty, she was stunning, she IS stunning, but looking down at her, in her bra, with her hands on my waist, she shinned. I thought we both were able to wait, that we wanted to wait, but I wanted HER and I knew full well that I couldn’t control myself any longer. Before I lowered myself to meet her lips she tugged the end of my shirt and discarded my pjs. I kissed down her collarbone to the edge of her bra, kissing above the piece of clothe, wanting to do every little thing that could turn her on. But I needed those lips, so I came back up to feel her tongue caressing mine again, this time heatedly, she showed me that she wanted to take control of the situation, but by then I wanted to be the one to make every move, every step. I know that it was early to do the things we were about to do, well not early but freshly waken wasn’t the moment that I was expecting but that dream made my hormones go wild for Sian, as well as hers, so I managed to forget my nerves and focus on Sian, not that I had to try hard, my body was calling for her.”Fuck you are so hot” I said sucking on her neck.” Mmmmhh our little Sophie dirtytalking aye” she whispered” don’t lie and say you don’t like it” I don’t know where my confidence was coming from, all I know is that the passion overwhelmed my body and it was making me forceful, I wanted her, I wanted to fuck her and make her scream my name on the top of her lungs. So I didn’t care of the mark I was leaving on her neck, besides I was going to leave a couple of marks more that day, I kept sucking until it was huge, I couldn’t control myself. I’ve always been a bit shy with all the sex thing but Sian untied the chains holding back my urges. I kissed down her body and discarded the rest of her clothes, well her bra was still on, but I wanted to take my time with that. I removed the sheets and the duvet tangled around us, it was kind of cold, but I couldn’t feel it, my body was hotter than ever, and the girl half naked before me was the one to blame. As her body was in full sight I made my way up kissing from her thighs to her stomach and above her bra. I left only one lingering kiss on her centre as I had aaall day to experiment with that, I had something in my mind, her boobs, don’t ask me why but I’d always been fascinated by her boobs, they are so perfect. So before I took it off I sucked on her collarbone, oh yes I have a thing for her collarbone too, don’t ask me why, it is really weird, but it turns me on; and I sucked on her right breast still covered, until I left another huge mark right above the edge of her bra, and the most amazing thing about it was the gasps leaving her mouth. I moved the straps of her black bra but she held my hands. She tugged on my pants and I quickly took them off, standing on my bra as well as her, but before I could continue she unclasped my bra and kissed my breasts. Of course it fell wonderful, and I wanted her to touch, fuck of course I wanted her to touch me but something inside me was telling me to take her first, and I couldn’t control it, so I took off her bra and started sucking, kissing,licking her breasts along with her hardened nipples. As I said I’ve always been amazed by her cleavage, but seeing her boobs live…in front of me, in my fucking face brushing with my body…wetness, more and more wetness between my legs that’s all I can say.. Bloody hell her moans and I wasnt even doing anything yet. Truth be told I didn’t know what I was doing, now I remember being a bit clumsy, but it was our first time, our first time together and my first time in general. So, I don’t want to lose the thread, I am getting wet just by remembering it.

I lowered my hand to her right breast, as I was kissing her. As I kissed her lips leaving her breasts to my fingertips she slipped her tongue into my mouth forcefully when I opened it. Our tongues were battling together as she was trying to regain the control, but I didn’t let her, I grabbed her left wrist with my right hand and pushed it above her head, and I did the same with the other hand, so her arms were either sides of her head, I moved slowly my left leg and slid it between hers, spreading her legs and that was it, I can say that her boobs turn me on, her collarbone, even the way she kisses me, but her face, oh her face…when I pressed my right leg onto her centre soaking my skin I looked between her eyes and then, when her breathing hitched on her throat, the way she parted her lips and looked at me with her darkened blue eyes…just her face it was the biggest turn on ever. I call it horny face, but because it makes me go over the edge, I could come right there just seeing that look on Sian’s face. But I didn’t stop, I swung my hips up and down, rubbing her wet folds with my thigh.” Ouuugghhh Soph” she arched her back and I saw my opportunity, as she closed her eyes I entered 2 fingers inside of her easily, as I said her wetness was covering my thigh so think how moistened her centre was.” Fuck Sian I want to be the deepest I can”

“Do it Soph” she said moaning” deeper” I inserted another finger as I picked up a pace, knowing that she wasn’t going to last much longer as she had been waiting for this for over 2 months.”Faster” she moaned again, her moans, the best sound on the whole world. But my favorite, my favorite will always be how she moans my name, that is another thing that is a turn on. She furrowed her brows and whimpered on pleasure as I brushed my thumb over her clit repeatedly. Her cheeks started to heat up as I felt the waves of pleasure wash over her body. I curled my fingers again and again, sucking on her nipples as I found myself grinding into her thigh as we had still our legs tangled. We synchronized a rhythm as her moans became louder and louder and our breathing fastened. I know I already said that but I’ve never felt so hot before, everything, our kisses the list I did of the things she do that turns me on, the whole situation was surreal, and the mind blowing orgasm she reached was surreal too. “ let it go Sian come for me.” As I fastened my pace, I saw her body start to tremble and her breasts move with her hips as I thrust my fingers inside of her and her walls start to clench above my fingers. “Sophh…don’t…stop…”I kept doing it encouraged by Sian’s sounds, even though I felt exhausted, one last time, that’s all it took for Sian to erupt into the louder moan and reach her high.”fuuuck.me.!” I kept my hand inside of her as we both collapsed, not able to talk, let alone move. She rode out her orgasm and At least 10 minutes we were, still with me on top of her, to regain our normal breathing and our heartbeat lowered down. I know I was still a virgin, Sian didn’t do it to me yet, but fuck I was exhausted.”I am…fuck…exhausted”she said still recomposing herself”but. its time to make it up to you Webster.”


	3. Love

**The dark is too hard to beat, and I’m not keeping up the strength I need to push me.**

 

We werent flirty around each other anymore, well yes we were but it was different. At first we did it to tease each other, to pull each other on the edge and see how much pressure we could handle. But now, now we were in a whole new scenario, I saw her with other eyes, with the eyes of love. And once you taste it, you cant wait to have it all. Even though I had all of Sian, and I mean it, I needed her like all the time. Sure before everything happened between us I needed her, she was my rock, but now things had changed and I feel lonely in a crowded room when she is not around. It was not only love though, it was desire, lust, passion, they all were burning inside of me, and the term horny wasn’t enormous enough to portray the feelings inside of me. As I said, she had untied the beast, and I wasn’t going to be daunted.

That Saturday, after we did it for the first time, which it was fucking amazing, I am only saying that it was well worth the wait as I only told you some things I did to her. I’d never imagined my first time with Sian, god I still can remember her when she was 6 with her long blonde hair and her cute dress always smiling like a loon, but I was right, she was bloody amazing in bed. That cute little girl is a goddess. Regardless that, I don’t regret giving myself to her, it is the only thing I cant regret less.

Obviously both of us were reluctant at first but as our hormones rushed through us every doubt seemed to flow away.  We both saw that weekend as some time we got to our selves, to show her the things I felt, because then I didn’t knew instantly that it was love, I saw the evidences, as well as I did before anything happened. Before our first kiss there were things that led me to think that Sian was something else than just a friend, but I only realized that after that weekend, and it had to pass more time for me to realize that I loved Sian.

We spent the whole weekend experimenting, Sian had had sex before but between us it was different, I wanted to taste every inch of her skin and feel every part of her body, I already knew her inside, but I wanted to know outside too. But Sunday came, and we had to be apart, at least one night, and you don’t know how hard it was to turn around and leave. Throughout the weekend we developed a bond which exceeded friendship, before that Sunday I still saw her as a friend, even though we kissed and made love together. But that bond answered my questions, explained why I felt so empty before this happened: I needed Sian, and once I tasted it, I wasn’t willing to let her go.

Sian was that part left, the part of my soul that was lost, and finding the rest of the circle that set up my life made me embrace true happiness, true love. Although it was dirty and horny, the feelings we shared were pure.In our own way we experienced what every human being expect from life, and back there I could happily say that I could die in peace, of course I would regret that words, but then the joy overwhelmed me, I felt powerful, not realizing that life is a bitch and the only way to find if that person is the one, is come along a broken heart, but I wasn’t ready for that, neither of us were, and I paid the price.

However I was happier than ever to have her in that way, even though it was just sneaking around I knew she was mine, and I was so selfish that I thought it would last forever. Big mistake. It is something that I cant explain to you, you must think that I was stupid or blind as neither of us broke up with our respective boyfriends, but I didn’t see that it was necessary at all. I saw it as a furniture made of glass, it was so perfect, so beautiful, that I thought that if I touched it with my clumsy hands I would destroy it.

But it wasn’t just sex, as I am telling you it might sound like that, and even thought the sex was AMAZING we had our soppy moments between shag and shag, no im only kidding we were really romantic.

Anyway, as I was expecting the next Monday she didn’t came rushing towards me and crashed her lips on mine in front of everyone, but she was done with trying to act normal around me, we took the next step and even though we were the only ones who knew that, it had opened my eyes, it had opened a huge door to a new world. everything seemed more colorful, more happy. I could see myself in her sparkling blue eyes, I could recognize my own love in her eyes. See, one of our romantic moments, the first day after our first time. The atmosphere was different because we spend the weekend by ourselves, her house became our sanctuary, our safe place where we could discard our emotional covers and be real, but at college…it was so different, we were surrounded by tons of people and friends, people who knew our old selves, but not the new ones, they weren’t aware of how everything was the opposite as before. Or maybe it was just me getting lost on my love bubble again.

I arrived first at college with Tina talking about how insane her weekend had been, usual Tina, but I couldn’t care less as all I thought about was the blonde beauty I was going to see again, and we waited for the rest to show up in our bench. To me it felt like ages but it was just 2 days since I last saw my friends, I guess this new angle where I was seeing things confused my sense of time .But all I needed to see, all I craved to see was that bright blue eyes, and as soon as I turned around catching the hint of her blonde locks and I gazed into the orbs that I cant get tired of looking into, her sight burned through me, a gaze that melted my heart and made my head spin. It wasn’t the look of lust I got used to, it was a loving one. I am able to still recall every detail, how she walked towards me, with her eyes never leaving mine and a confused look, eyes widened and a shy smile tugging at the corner of her lips; how she stretched and fidgeted with her sleeve as she always does when she is nervous, and of course wearing her black leather jacket. The whole world seemed to become a blur as she approached me, every step made my heart beat faster, the palms of my hands started to sweat and my mouth went dry. I still wonder how one person can make you feel so many different, even opposite sensations, and I am also fascinated of how my body reacted to her.

As I was saying, everything was so different though, in both our rooms I could touch her and feel her in every way possible, but then, in front of everyone I feared even looking at her since I knew that just one gaze could show all the emotions this girl made me feel. Its not that I was ashamed of it, I thought that the moments we shared were only ours and I didn’t want anyone to know about them. However the wave of warmness left as abruptly as it arrived when I saw Ryan and Dave walking behind her. The bell rang and we walked side by side, both lost for words as I needn’t sentences, I needed actions to show her how much I wanted to just hug her until…forever. The desire of reaching out to my newly found lover’s hand and entwine our fingers as well as our hearts were, was devouring me. As long as our secret love lasted, the pain that produced me not being able to show my true affectionate self to Sian every minute of every day was killing me, but it was painfully beautiful. I accepted the pain as a gift, pain which the first day caught me out of guard as we sat together,as always, but unwillingly far away, still my skin was buzzing at the closeness, even though I needed so much more. The hours passing annoyingly slow, as my daydream was so much important that whatever the teachers were spitting out of their mouth, I could only feel Sian’s body. Secretly, apart from daydreaming about my weekend, I was loosing myself on the thoughts of Sian backing off again, I knew Sian wouldn’t do that to me after everything, but I couldn’t help myself and think what if. However I was snapped out of my thoughts by a touch that sent my mind to overdrive, I’d been waiting so long to feel it again, actually some hours, but it was too much for me.

“Soph” she spoke softly” the class is over came on we are going out”She released the grip on my hand and I instantly missed her skin upon the zone. I gathered my belongings and left with her, again by my side, to the park, our park, but this time we were not alone, we were with our friends, and boyfriends.

We came to a halt in the park, sitting down on the grass. Of course Sian with Ryan and I laying down between Dave’s legs. 30 minutes lasted the break, and there weren’t a second that I wasn’t glancing at Sian, but something made me escape of my bubble, as Dave entwined our fingers together, stroking the back of my hand, and regardless the sweet gesture all I could think about was how strong, heavy and rough his skin was compared to Sian’s, how our bodies fitted perfectly together, but with Dave…it was nice, I feel loved, and…I know its selfish, but I needed to feel that someone was mine, completely mine. It was the first time Dave was like this in public, even though I know he always wanted to have me as a real girlfriend, I think he loved me, and I know now that he knew something was missing, so I smiled up at him and she kissed me softly. I closed my eyes trying to block out my thoughts and kissed him back, frowning as the thoughts of Sian seeing it. I always liked to make her jealous, make her feel how I felt when I saw her with Ryan, when every bloke eye fucking her, but I love her, and I couldn’t hurt her like that. When the break finished we went back to college and Sian rushed to the loo, but I followed her and reaching for her hand I led her to the teacher’s bathroom. I pushed her inside before anyone could see us locking the door behind me.

“You have a thing with locking people in bathrooms don’t you?” She joked with a harsh tone on her voice”Just with hot blondes.” I said trying to lighten the mood and be flirty at the same time. I edged closer to her reaching for her hand again, but she flicked away . “Don’t touch me” I was hurt by her words, but I knew she wasn’t being serious, she was just upset because she saw me kissing Dave, and even though I liked how protective was with me it annoyed me how she could be with anyone she wanted and I only could be hers. So I moved closer, slowly, as she moved away every step I took, until her boot collided with the sink.” Are you sure you don’t want me to touch you” I whispered seductively as I placed my hands either side of her in the sink, pressing our bodies together. Still I didn’t kiss her, as her breathing fastened I tilted my head from her neck to her mouth, standing inches away from her lips, I knew that feeling my hot breath hitching her skin turned her on. She was trying to not give in, but as she closed her eyes the bell rang and I opened the door leaving a well flustered Sian behind me. “Sian, we have to go to class” But she stopped me grabbing my wrist” Soph, I am sorry, I didn’t mean to snap at you…” she said fixating her eyes on he floor.” Its ok, you are allowed to be jealous don’t you?” I replied smiling at her as she blushed. See I still don’t understand how she could change from a sex goddess to a cute and loving girl. But she’s always been so much more than that. The rest of the day went pretty much the same, me not paying attention and my skin aching to touch Sian’s. As always, we went back home together, with everyone else, but she walked me to my door, something that made me smile on the inside. “stop trying to hid your smile that’s too cute” she whispered in my ear as we made our way to the front door. “sooo” I started not wanting her to leave.

“Errr i…”it made me smile knowing that she was struggling with words” I really missed you” she said looking at the ground while playing with a stone with her converse. “We’ve been together all morning Sian” I said smirking and making her blush, I’d seen this girl blush 2 times before in her life and it was too fucking cute, like you want to wrap your arms around her and never let go.

“I know but…aggh… you know what I mean” she replied raising her head to meet my gaze.”Is there someone inside?” she asked me while pointing with her head to the door. As I shook my head she grabbed the keys from my hands, as I was fidgeting with it the whole time we were talking, and opened the door. After I could acknowledge what was happening I found myself kissing Sian, being crashed in the door closed behind me. She kissed me anxiously, showing with her lips how much she needed me. She held me in place with her hands placed in my cheeks, and as soon as she felt a gap between my lips, she slipped her tongue inside of my mouth. But as quickly as it started, she parted from my lips, dropping her hands to entwine it with my own, both sides of my body and her head rested on my shoulder. “Sorry I needed to kiss you” she said cutely smiling against my neck.

“Nothing to be sorry for” I replied parting my left hand from hers to caress her chin, lifting her head to meet again those lips which I was yearning to kiss again. As soon as I felt her lips on mine my stomach fluttered as if millions of fireworks set off. I captured her bottom lip between my own, letting the kiss linger before I pulled away again, holding her face to look right into her eyes. “Never. Ever. Apologize for such a sweet gesture “ I said pecking her lips, still holding her chin. She smiled parting from the kiss but still inches apart from me as she looked deep into my eyes. “I gotta go” she said softly while brushing some of my hair behind my ear.”But I don’t want to” she continued earning a grin from me. We stood there smiling like loons until we heard some ruffling from the house and then we jumped apart, but surprising me, Sian gave me a lingering kiss before opening the door . “ I’ll see you tomorrow beautiful” I stood in the doorway, blushing, and looking at her making her way home.

When I think about it I feel a bit…I was such a silly girl in love, I closed the door and rested my body onto it, bitting my lip and thinking about how amazing was my girl. I don’t know how long I stood there zoned out, but  eventually I put myself together and went to my room upstairs. I was totally hopeless. I spent the whole day like that, trying to focus but failing miserably thanks to the blonde that stole my heart and my life. It was beyond embarrassing, is a really stupid thought but when my mom looks at me I feel like she knows what I am thinking and I have to say that I wasn’t thinking on coursework, flowers or unicorns. I just stood there eating, looking at my plate and blushing. Oh and of course smiling like a loon.

I promise I tried to do something productive, but I just couldn’t. I spread my notes, books and all the school stuff but all I did was lay in my bed looking through the window thinking about how could I use my time with her.

Anyway the day went by quite quickly and there I was, under the covers, zoned out again looking through the window. It was a rather hot spring night so I opened the window and the gentle breeze released some of my worries, but that night I didn’t feel like talking. You see every night I would log in on facebook and talk to Dave, Sian, Tina..but that night…I needed some time to sort my head out.

I turned around pushing the sheets further down my body, as the warm temperature was making me feel a bit trapped. Just when I was about to fall asleep my phone vibrated on the bedside table. I frowned and reached it not even bothering to turn around.

Sian: Whats up Soph? I thought we were going to talk, I miss u. U alright? xx

The simply thought that I could be object of her concern made me release some of the pain, the feel of being trapped, only to send me even more to the warm arms of the demon called heartbreak.

Sorry babe just tired that’s all, and well…I didn’t want to talk to dave.

It was true. Being with Sian, being together for both of us didn’t feel like cheating. I know that’s a fuck up, and I cant blame society for that because we made the decision, we choose to be together while we were dating other people, but society see it as something that doesn’t matter, being with my best friend, shagging her, was not cheating, even though it was obviously wrong. But the moment she kissed me every concern seemed to fade away.

Sian: Ok hun its ok just sleep well and I’ll see ya tomorrow <3 Dream with me  ;)

With a grin plastered on my face I turned around getting comfortable until I drifted off to sleep.

_Sian squeezed my hand with her own as we made our way through the crowd. With our hands still entwined we reached my locker, and even though the hallway was full of people she raised her left hand to my cheek before I could open the door. She caressed my skin with her thumb until she pressed her hand on my neck pushing me into her. I breathed in looking at her lips as she inched closer, those soft, full lips that all of a sadden were kissing my own in the middle of a crowded hallway. And my head obviously said ‘Nevermind me!’ so I opened my mouth quickly sliding my tongue into sian’s mouth. Then, we weren’t kissing surrounded by hundreds of boys and girls, mates that knew us, everything went black as soon as I closed my eyes, focusing on the feeling of Sian’s body against mine with our lips tightly attached on a sweet kiss. But then, obviously, something had to happen, how stupid I am always thinking that happiness can last. I felt someone shove me off of Sian violently._

_‘What the fuck?!”I heard as I furrowed my eyebrows opening my eyes. As soon as I saw the scenario developing in front of my urged to touch Sian, I gripped her by her wrist to pull her behind me, trying to protect her from whatever this lad was going to do”Oi you! Don’t you dare touch my girlfriend again you lezza!”I opened my mouth in shock waiting for words to leave, but clauses couldn’t make any sense in my head as my blood boiled in pure hatred. “Shut the fuck up Ryan” I finally shouted at him. “ This has nothing to do with you so leave us alone”_

_“She is my girlfriend of course it has to do with me when you are kissing her!” he said approaching us trying to look scary. Poor fella all I could think was ‘keep trying’._

_“Don’t you see that is over Ryan? She is no longer your girlfriend, she is mine so fuck off will ya?” As I spited that at Ryan I turned around with Sian by my side, but then I acknowledged the crowd surrounding us, he pushed Sian out of my grip as Ryan forced her away from me. She still hasn’t said a word but I couldn’t stop screaming kicking pushing but the crowd seemed to shove me away from her until I couldn’t see her anymore. I tried to escape from them rushing to a class, but I realised that I wasn’t escaping, they were  leading me like a lamb to the slaughterhouse.   I entered the first classroom to my left and closed the door behind me running towards the windows as soon as I locked the door. Everything fell silent as I realised where was I. The walls were not made of bricks it was crystal, the 4 walls were crystal and there were no windows, but the rest was the same as an usual classroom with chairs, tables, desks the blackboard. 3 seconds passed , 3 steps and I realised I couldn’t get away. I was trapped. I didn’t thought though ‘Fuck im trapped’ I actually thought ‘What the fuck am I going to do to get to Sian’. Those 3 seconds were enough for my mind to explode into rage. Im not usually a violent person, but when rage takes over me I cant even think. I grabbed the first chair near me and threw it across the class to the wall that showed me the hallway, which was pretty packed with people looking right at me. I felt like the new animal at the zoo._

_However the crystal didn’t even cracked, I threw chairs and tables and books until I hadn’t have any energy left on my body and I fell to the floor exhausted surrounded by broken furniture. This is my fight, my fight for Sian and for my sexuality. A lost fight._

 

I still felt trapped even though obviously I have already realised that I was just dreaming. Yet the covers seemed to tangle around me awkwardly so I wasn’t able to move, or maybe it was me why I couldn’t move. Anyway I fought with the sheets and broke free, with my body covered on sweat but feeling quite cold as the spring air came through the window. I rushed my feet down on the floor but when I tried to get up my knees gave away so I fell down on the soft carpet of my room. I raised my body to my knees but my head felt fuzzy and I couldn’t see, it was all a blur so I supported myself on the floor with my hands but soon I blacked out.

I woke up feeling my bed underneath me again. I opened my eyes slowly as If I didn’t even have the strength to breathe. A hand brushed my hair out  of my face and I looked to the side at the feeling.

“Hey babe morning” Rosie whispered” mom is gone for work I’ll take care of you”

“Whaat” I croaked out” what happened?” I finished frowning. Rosie explained that I was sick and passed out last night falling to the floor but before I could get anything I fell asleep again. That was the basis of the day, falling asleep. My lovely sibling that seemed for the first time to care tried to feed me, she even helped me to the bathroom to get a shower I simply tried to have a bath and I fell asleep again in the tub since I was just too tired. However even though I spend most of the day asleep I couldn’t get any rest, the nightmare haunted me. I woke  up on my room with a plate of chicken and a bottle of water but I didn’t want to eat or even move for that matter so I closed my eyes and let the darkness embrace me again. Next thing I remember is laying on the couch, it wasn’t dark so I supposed it was the next morning or afternoon or whatever, yet it was not the same, I opened my eyes to my blonde sitting on the sofa with me, with my legs on her lap and reading some notes, I guess studying. “hey ya sleeping beauty” she smiled at me shyly putting her stuff down on the coffee table and squeezing my leg.

“Sian love you don’t have to stay you should go to class…” My mom stood in front of us holding a mug in her hands.

“Its okay Sall I just have to study for the finals I would be home anyway”She said looking at me” You can go I’ll take care of her till Rosie is back. Its ok honestly.” Sian turned her head to look at my mother while smiling softly with that innocent look of hers. She always gets whatever she wants. She got me without any effort.

“Okay I’ll make you some breakfast and I’ll leave” my mom said sighing as Sian reached for my hand under the blanket that covered us.

She managed to make me eat something for the first time in two days. I told you she always gets what she wants, and even though I felt really sick and weak I knew a had to eat something, besides Sian needed to study and I wasn’t going to stand on the way I just thought that perhaps I could eat and sleep so I could let her study without distractions. Anyway If I were her I couldn’t have done it. Imagine having Sian sleeping on your lap…I wouldn’t have been able to study. But she did, or I guess so as I was still drifting off to sleep but waking up minutes after, having for 2 days a restless sleep but not being able to even walk, so at midday I decided to stop and try to do something productive, well actually I just wanted to make the most of the time I had with Sian. The nightmare made me feel so exhausted and anxious at the same time, the feeling of Sian been taken away from me and not being able to reach her, or even know if she is okay… I was hopeless wasn’t i?

“Hey babe ,feeling any better?” Sian asked from the kitchen as I stirred trying to shake off the sleep, she giggled at my gestures and approached the sofa kneeling down on the floor.” You look somewhat less pale I think”

“Oh thanks you know how to make a girl feel better” I croaked with an offended look, but I am not a great actress so yeah a grin made its way to my face easily, as always when I was with Sian.

“Well I do in fact” she said seductively before closing the gap between us and kissing me slowly. She hovered above standing up, so I put my hand on her waist lowering her on the sofa on top of me. Sian lay down on my side trying not to push so much pressure on me supporting herself with her arm above my head on the sofa, sliding her leg between mines. I knew that I was sick and all…but I couldn’t resist her so I took advantage when I felt a tiny gap between her lips and glided my tongue into her mouth.

“Babe” she croaked finally pulling out” you need to eat something” I smirked at her statement and she instantly knew what was passing through my head”Soph!” she chuckled” stop being dirty minded and help me cook something you need to walk or you muscles will get sore, oh by the way Rosie is not coming over she has something to do on London or whatever so you are stuck with me until your mom comes back” I smirked again as she got off of me gently and then helped me up, but she was right, my whole body felt sore and my legs could barely support my body so my knees gave in slightly, but this time Sian was there to catch me. She hugged me tightly and I held onto her neck, even that small movement was hard enough for me to lose all my strength.

“Well we can walk like this if you want”Sian giggled on my neck as she lifted me a bit so I could reposition my legs and my arms around her.

“Lets try” I chuckled. She was with her back to the kitchen so I had to lead the way, and slowly we reached the kitchen, a bit clumsily I must say but I cant believe that she just carried me backwards so I could stand and feel my body again, she was so cute, but as always I took the chance and pressed her against the counter, closing every gap between our bodies, not that there were a lot but I craved for her. As soon as her body collided with the cold surface she moved her head off the crook of my neck switching positions as she lifted me up on the sink. I truly didn’t know where all this strength came from as this girl never, ever worked out even though she had a killer body, not perfect, but perfect for me.

I parted from our hug but kept her close as she stood between my legs, my arms resting on her shoulders. “What would I do without you…” I said smiling trying to look into those blue eyes that always melted my heart, but she stood with her eyelids closed. “Sian” I called softly raising her chin with my right hand until she looked at me. “Thank you, for taking care of me and all” even though we were comfortable with each other as we’ve been friends as long as I can remember I still managed to blush. “I will always take care of you Sophie” she stated with a serious voice that creaped me out a bit but made my stomach flip a hundred times. I guess the nightmare was still there on the back of my mind and I couldn’t help but be afraid of losing Sian, even though she reassured me with her words and her strong arms engulfing me but still…you gotta understand me.

Since then we spent so much more time together, we usually stood Ryan and Dave up to spend time together and people started to gossip, but I couldn’t care less. Of course there always had been people gossiping about us, saying that we were together, even before we actually were as we’d always been all touchy feely with each other, that’s why I think anyone noticed the change between us, on our relationship

I saw the real Sian, I saw her mask fade away, and as I showed my real self to her ,with me she was the Sian hidden deep down on her fear, but as stupid as I was I thought that that fear was gone…funny how love can change your life, blind you and when you don’t expect it hit you in the face. But even though the pain, I was a casualty of love, of Sian I don’t regret giving myself to her, I surrounded completely to her love and it earned me pain, pain that cant be compared with physical pain, and I am telling you as I fell off a roof, it was something more intimate, something that happened on my heart, but affected to all my body. My functions and my brain were damaged by something so pure that can either kill you or brighten your life. For me, it made both. The agony, the feeling of eternal loneliness never left. And the only explanation left to the intense pain I am still living is that I walked through heaven, and now it is time to walk through hell.

she was my heart. She IS my heart. However,we didn’t bothered to think about our respective boyfriends, I think about it now and it is the most absurd thing in the world, because thinking about someone else, someone who isn’t me touching Sian and my blood boil, but then I suppose I didn’t care as I knew where our hearts belonged. I saw it as something natural, we both had our mask, our covers, but as long as we remained together the prospect of being officially  together to the world’s eyes with someone who wasn’t Sian didn’t bother me, and neither did bother her.

I still wonder whose fault is to blame for ripping apart two existences deeply leagued, now torn apart  by unbelievably stupid reasons. I know, Sian was the one who left, whose mouth babbled that harsh words, but was it her fault? Maybe I am only thinking it because I am not able to believe that my true love walked away from me because of a naïve and still hurtful belief. But you wanna know my mistake? I’ll tell you. When I released the feelings I got for Sian from the ties that I subconsciously established I found myself losing my life to her. She had, well I am not gonna lie she still has, a grip on my heart. I built my life around her, forgetting about everything else that surrounded me, or set up the circumstances of my life. And it is because I am a really intense person and when I find something special, as my love for Sian, I don’t let go, and my life revolves around it, Sian in this case. Nonetheless, as the feelings inside me took control of my thoughts my body gave in, which led me to the immense break down I got when everything with Sian collapsed.

 Have you ever been present in a birth? Despite all the screaming, the pain, the fluids, the blood, when a new life is released from her mothers grip, the feeling that envelopes you is something that cant be explained with words. I can only say that you see light above the darkness of this cruel world, but then…have you ever seen someone die? The contrast between that two feelings, that’s what I mean when I say that my life ended when Sian left me.

When someone that you love pass out is like a little part of you leaves too, but the most hard thing of it all is that that feeling makes you feel empty on the inside, you lost your direction, and your life have to go on without anyone to lead it.

Maybe I am a little dramatic, well actually I am such a drama queen, but that’s what I felt, what I still feel. After being on top, life threw me crashing down on the cold surface of pain that with the happiness I lived I made up myself.

Somehow I managed to convince myself that this amazing or amazingly weird situation was going to last forever, but there is no ‘and happily ever after’ in real life, and my happy times were over in the blink of an eye. I still cant wrap my head around the fact that I was so oblivious of the situation, I was just enjoying the moment, enjoying being with Sian despite the fact that everything was obviously going to blow up in my face. I guess being young doesn’t help, I guess I just thought about how she melted my heart every time she kissed me, or looked at me with her gorgeous eyes, every little thing about her made me forget about how empty I felt before we started kind of going out, she made life worth it, I lived because I wanted, not because I didn’t want to kill myself.

So things faded, coming to an end, not slowly, but painfully rushed and quickly. Somehow I couldn’t realize it entirely until the pain washed over a bit, everything went downhill…I still feel guilty, I guess I grew used to be the one blamed for everything that at the end you believe what everyone seem to say, that you always play the victim, and that you are selfish and everything is your fault, I am that girl, the innocent one who believe every word her ‘loved ones’ say. Im just stupid.

So, starting from the beginning, one night I met up with some friends of our class, just to celebrate and hang out before the finals sort of ‘enjoy the only spare time you’ll have in over a month’, but Sian was out with Ryan and the boys. During the year I grew closer to Annie, remember the new girl, the girl that Sian hated so much because she was jealous? Well her. She was so nice and such a great friend to me even though we’d just been friends for 6 months or so. She convinced me to come and have fun as I was having such a hard year since I was so focused on my grades. Maybe it’s something stupid but I was so focused on leaving everything behind me and go to uni that I was working as hard as I could to reach my goal, hence I wasn’t usually up to drinking and that stuff.

I hate getting ready, I mean I like make-up and dresses and heels and all but I am so bloody lazy that if  lay in bed I wont get up on time and just stay home, so I always get ready with Sian. The hardest thing for me is to choose an outfit, its not that I had tons of clothes, I am just so hesitant or unsure about everything. Without her here telling me to stop lazing around I didn’t know what to do. Eventually I realised that I had to get ready, at least to get rid of those thoughts of Sian, Sian and Ryan, Sian out with Ryan, Sian kissing Ryan…or something worse, it made me feel sick.

M life revolved around her and I thought that partying would be fun, mainly because I didn’t want to be moping around.I opened my wardrobe and ran my hand over the soft material of my dresses and skirts and shorts, everything reminded me of her, how gorgeous she looked when she borrowed that black dress, when we went out and I wore that skirt, when she bought me that shirt, how much fun we had shopping when I bought that blazer…The worst thing is that not only every piece of clothing on my wardrobe reminded me of her, everything on my room was her, I could even smell her sweet scent if  I focused. That made me feel creepy. But just this little gesture made me go all melancholic, triggering memories and memories on my head

Anyway when my little trance was over I curled my hair and brushed my teeth, I needed to get out of here and have fun, without her. That night I wanted to feel pretty for myself so I settled with a see-through black shirt and a mint colored skirt with matching heels and purse.

But at this time on the story you should know already that my life seems to be a plot of some crappy tv film, so guess what happened at the club?

I was getting the drinks as the rest made their way to find a sit when someone bumped into my side at the bar, she knew full well it was me, but I didn’t even pay attention as I was too eager to drink and get rid of my green eyed monster as soon as possible,called jealousy obviously, but the girl stopped beside me, with her skin brushing mine and her back to me, meaning she was too close,and as I am human I checked her out. As soon as I caught a glimpse of those legs my brain went on over drive, actually the heat run somewhere under my collar, a reaction I was still getting used to, yet,  the main signal to realize that it was Sian. A lot of things happened at once inside me, the heat between my legs increased easily, my head was screaming at me that she was so fucking sexy on a night out with Ryan and my heart told me to grab her and kiss her with all I got, so as usual I blocked, I didn’t move until she spun around with a knowing smirk in her face and raising her eyebrow when the drinks appeared on the bar. I drank mine in one big gulp and turned around to see Sian with that wicked grin and those slender legs of hers that seemed to never end under her cream dress. I ordered another one and faced Sian fully, gathering all the courage and confidence I got. It was just Sian for fuck sake.

“What are you now Powers my personal stalker?” I said smirking but then Dave appeared right beside her interrupting our little bubble. “Well I would say she is since she’s been pushing us to come here all night, haven’t you Sian?” Dave asked laughing as Sian looked everywhere but at me clearly embarrassed by the information. “So, don’t I get a kiss?” we both tried to hide our grin at the reference of my so, so used line, but we couldn’t hold it any longer and burst in a fit of giggles earning a confused look on Dave’s face. But as we couldn’t help but keep laughing he seemed to get tired of us and leave to their table on the back of the club.

“Nice seeing you blush” I said softly not letting my smirk drop from my face as she blushed even harder making her look unbelievably cute, but she’d shake the embarrassment anytime “ nice attempt of avoiding kissing Dave, still a shit kisser? I guess after kissing me he can’t even compare.” Even though she was just joking I could discern a meaningful glint on her voice, I knew she didn’t like him, but still…

“Ohh hello there cocky Sian, the great kisser is the same as the stalker or all your personalities are in love with me?” I replied, but after Sian could even think of an answer Annie came to help.

“Oh hi Sian didn’t know you were here” Annie greeted Sian earning a fake smile from the blonde and a roll of eyes from me, Sian is so childish sometimes “ I was wondering if you needed a hand with the drinks ,you were taking so long”

I offered her a grateful smile as Sian leaned into my ear “ she needs a hand elsewhere, she’s asking for a slap right across that pretty face of hers” I waited until Annie was out of sight to reply to Sian leaning onto her side slowly to whisper “Come on Sian Its beyond ridiculous that you are more jealous of her than of Dave, she is just a friend, like you.” I smirked at her puzzled look “ Anyway I’ll see ya later blondie, wouldn’t want to keep Ann waiting would i? ”

I knew my remark wasn’t  well received but she knew I was hurting too, she knew I couldn’t stand seeing her with Ryan, not because he was her boyfriend, I just hated him, Sian deserved so much better. Anyway, as I was saying if she couldn’t  give less than a shit that I was having a hard time I wasn’t going to show any mercy whatsoever. That twisted mind of hers imagined that there was something between Annie and I, well I seized upon the chance to make her feel as defeated as I was feeling.

However I decided to make the most of the night even though my obvious discomfort.I was having a laugh and time passed as drinks were necked by everyone, passing the time between the dance floor and the large tables we found, everyone but me, as I was feeling a bit under the weather, something that was unlikely as I was always the one for the parties. I always say that I don’t go to clubs to drink and stand sweaty people, I came to dance. As Annie noticed the bizarreness of my behavior she grabbed my hand pulling me out for a fag, but all I could focus on was on Sian’s eyes burning a hole on us as we passed by. I was kind of a social smoker, I just like smoking when I was drinking and I couldn’t decline Annie’s offer as it gave me a safe escape. Back there I felt trapped.

Iddle chat. Even idle chat reminded me of Sian. As we did everything together I was always: Sian did that, Sian and I went there, the other day with Sian…it was fucking irritating even for me. At least Annie didn’t push me, it was easy being with her she understood that I liked to be left alone, but was always there for me on the background. Tina or Katy didn’t get that, I just needed to get my thoughts straight, not just be around me all the time when I was upset, that infuriated me  every time.

As the cigarette vanished between our fingers we made our way back to our sits , as I told you, Annie always by my side, always there but not on top, if you know what I mean. We sat comfortably on the couch, looking at all the people dancing, making fools out of themselves, or just having fun with their friends as any other night. I was, on the other hand, slightly sober thanks to the cold Manchester air, which luckily helped me to ease myself on the stuffy place. However it didn’t get me out of my mood and I couldn’t help but daydream all night trying to forget how sick Ryan made me feel, making me get carried away with the whole Sian situation, or rather mess, she made. But lets face it I couldn’t help but think of her, all the time, every day. And then I felt her shove a drink on the table in front of me, seating down on the arm of the couch beside me, cuddling into me right the moment she sat. “What is this for?” I asked a little snappy as I was still angry at her for bringing Ryan and Dave to the club where I was supposed to forget about all the problems. “Oii don’t be like that, cant I buy a pretty girl a drink?” she said with the smirk returning to her face after the shock of my words. “If I didn’t know better I would say you are trying to get in my pants Powers.” I know I shouldn’t have said that, I was going too far but she was hurting me on a twisted way, I know she didn’t do it on purpose, she just wanted to be with me that night, yet there is still that little part of my subconscious that tells me she did everything with a hidden meaning.

She knitted her brows together with that ‘keep trying’ look. “No need on buying a drink to do that honey” Sian snapped at me rising herself from her seat, but I knew she was bluffing.

“Oii I didn’t mean to offend you” I said smirking and gripping her arm, pushing her to seat in my lap, since we always did that. We were far too close to not be shady,we’ve never been subtle, at all,  but I didn’t need any more shit to concern me. Of course I was worried about every one finding out, I was terrified actually, but not enough to take me away from Sian.

Yet there always is someone to stop the fun, in this case there always is someone that I want to kill…Ryan. He approached us with that smug smirk on his face. Fucking dick…

Time with that arse seemed to sting, slowly but luckily he grew tired of drooling over Sian and left to his mates, nevertheless it was the last of my concerns as a couple of girls started dancing with each other, gaining the delight on some people and the hatred from others. I never let this kind of things get to me. I’ve grown on a homophobic family, sure it hurts, like being stabbed with a hundred of needles every time your own mother says something like “ I bet they would be pretty normal if they married a handsome guy”, but on people I didn’t know or cared about I didn’t give an actual shit, yet, when I saw Sian’s face…torn up, smashed into little pieces of disappointment, fear, and just pure sadness. My blood boiled. I stood up taking her with me, passing by her dick of a boyfriend sending nasty comments to the poor girls that turned into the clowns of the party, when they just wanted to have some fun. I truly felt sorry for them. That could have been me.

Sian sat on the railings just turning the corner of the club and I could see her trying to hold her tears, to hold her feelings and her own body with her hands firmly around herself. I took a step closer but my heart cracked when I saw her flinch and move away from me. The dark of the night matching the scenario, even the stars were hidden behind thick clouds, making the night feel even darker, and my darkness even bigger within my heart.

I hugged her, darkness fading bit by bit, even when she struggled, when she tried to push me off her, I just gripped her tighter, both eventually giving into the small patch of light we found on each other’s touch. I could hear her head, her brain working, clicking and the darkness tugged at my heart when I realised  I wasn’t able to help her, all I could do was hold her, be there for her as she slowly faded away. She needed to fight and find her own feelings. She had to battle her dark self and win, so I could win her back. She helped me through it, she was my knight in a shining armour, who helped me find my own identity and feel good with being myself. The thing is…my knight was now fighting her own battle, hence I was failing mine. She buried herself on my neck as her tears seemed to never stop falling, she was breaking down in front of me. She, then, did something I wasn’t expecting. Now I think about it all I can mutter is ‘what the hell was she thinking about’, but at the moment it just felt right. She needed to release her rage and frustrations, but instead of screaming or arguing with me she just bit my neck and she just…held there. I grimaced at first when her perfect teeth tore my flesh but I wasn’t backing away, I wasn’t going to give up that easily. I felt Sian calm down eventually when I cold liquid wetted my skin, unsure whether it was my blood or her salty tears I leaned back slightly to look at her.

her sobbing and dragged breaths slowed down, I wiped away the tears looking to her still closed puffy eyes. Ryan arrived, searching through his phone and narrowing his eyes, shattering our moment. “I’d tell you were a flaming dyke too if I didn’t knew better” he hissed pocketing his phone and making his way towards us. I could sense the row coming as Ryan looked at me with a disgusted look, the panic on Sian’s now open eyes made me stay rooted to the spot while Ryan tried to force me off the blonde. Finally, Sian nodded in my direction so I made my way back into the club, brushing my hair to hid the mark on my skin.

Hours seemed to fly by with a confused feeling oppressing me. Perhaps it was the drinks or maybe the whole situation, but time went by and I didn’t see Sian all night. I knew a full blown argument was going on at the moment Ryan approached us, but I caught myself unable to stop it, what was I going to say? Hey you scumbag get away from my…what? Bestfriend? She wouldn’t have allowed me to do that.

The corners of my memories are blurred, muffled  voices and a taste of vodka filled my brain when I was making my way home. The #4 was empty at this hour as I stayed out till morning with my friends, I wasn’t the best of companies but I didn’t want to be alone. finally I stumbled over the sofa, dropping everything down,  heels included sinking on a kitchen chair, bottle of water in hand as the effects of my not so recommendable drinking  habits were hitting on me.

 

As I was gathering everything and tidying up I heard some shuffling on the door and a loud knock. I opened the door with a puzzled look, not knowing who would be there at this hour. “Can I come in?” The question took me unaware as she usually just rushed past me into the house. I nodded and opened the door wider stepping aside for her to go in.

Even though I knew something was wrong I couldn’t help but lick my lips, enjoying quite too much the sight in front of me, but as Sian turned around and I glanced into her cold as stone eyes a heavy weight pressed onto my shoulders and tugged at my heart. Sorrow was shared between us, invading the atmosphere, but I didn’t even know why this was making my heart sink on the darkness.

“Where have you been?” I exclaimed “ I’ve been waiting for you worried sick. You told me you’d sleep here and then you leave without a word” I finished closing the door behind me and turning to look at Sian. “I’ve been to my house, my parents…” she didn’t even finish the sentence, she just stood there looking lost.

“Your  parents what?” I asked knowing already the answer. Her parents had broken up. A pregnant silence fell over us, and I decided to just drop the subject. I knew her so I knew it was a touchy subject and we would talk about it when she was ready. Sian is the kind of person that take out on her closest friend all her frustrations, that friend being me, when she was upset about something. She, of course, always apologized afterward, but she could be…bitter.

I looked at her, surroundings matching our mood again, as the British weather brought some grey clouds making the room dimly lit. However all I could focus on was her eyes, cold and tired blue eyes. She lost the battle, or rather  _I_  lost the battle.

“What’s it Sian?” I broke the silence. We had to have this conversation and I wanted it to be over as soon as possible. Grief and loss were looming over me and the thunder of fear that crossed my heart was not a good sign.  She swallowed and opened her mouth a couple of times to speak but cutting herself, eventually lifting her sight from the floor “This have to end”

“Why?” I simply muttered chewing on the side of my cheek. Unsaid promises of always coming back danced on my head. She did came back, I guess I am grateful about it, she couldn’t just up and leave. But she went back..to Ryan. We both felt the same about the other’s boyfriend, yet we never voiced it .we knew uneasy was an understatement of how it felt. I’ve always been quite possessive and a jealous person, but under that flirty and nonchalant attitude Sian was as bad as me.

Her blank stare burned my soul, I felt like that dream everyone have at least once, that you are falling and falling backwards onto the darkness and you don’t seem to stop. They say that if you fall, and finally crash down onto the floor, you’ll never wake up. I guess I was praying to wake up.

She narrowed her eyes, looking at the floor, searching for some reason that could fill my “curiosity” and just leave it there. She obviously knew I was not having her bullshit. “I…it isn’t right Sophie” I clenched my jaw knowing full well what was she talking about but not wanting to believe the words escaping her mouth. She finally lifted her head, daring to look at me. “this…us..it is not right”

I swallowed hard trying to not lose my composure, I wanted to tear out the words of her “And why exactly isn’t it right Sian? You certainly are not thinking about your boyfriend now, nor ever.”

“Its not because of him.” She snapped, I guess I touched nerve, she took a big breath and continued“ we are not meant to…be together or just do the things we’ve done… it is-“

“What, Sian?Disgusting?Gross?” I cut her off, venom evident in my words, but still not raising my voice. “ You weren’t saying that when I first told you I wasn’t straight were you? You are so fucking hypocrite…You told me you’d accept me anyway, that nothing had changed, that I hadn’t changed, what’s changed now Sian?”

“Nothing’s changed! I just…realised the truth”  she said heartedly, finally giving into the flood of emotions.

“Then what is the truth? Enlighten me” I said sarcastically. She recovered her composure and lifted her sight to look at me “We are not supposed to do the things we’ve done” she whispered, finally calming herself, but turning on the turmoil of feelings that, eventually, murdered my heart. “That kind of things…are only meant for a man and a woman Soph. You and me…it’s not natural” A load chuckle left my mouth “ Nice. Really nice of you to tell me that I am not natural. At least I got the truth from you finally, about me and about us. We were a mistake” I couldn’t believe it, it hurt so much. I couldn’t let her do that to me, well I mean I couldn’t let her  _see_ what she was doing to me. She was crushing me.

I narrowed my eyes and tilted my head in confusion after a few minutes of deliberating “How can you say that? You are my best friend…And…you are saying that I am not allowed to love because I don’t love a man, what about everything we’ve been?” I looked at her, mouth agape and frowning “ I’ll rephrase it, everything  _I’ve_  been feeling, all the love I’ve been feeling,since you are saying that you never wanted this, us” I realised I loved her. But how could I love someone so hypocrite, so cold hearted. The person that finally filled my heart was the one to rip me into pieces without hesitating. “Love?” she asked me in a curious and quiet voice, a puzzled look on her face. How could she not be aware of how much I loved her, alright realised it 10 seconds ago but still. Perhaps she didn’t want to… “At least tell you feel something Sian, please” I begged taking a small step toward her. She flinched again but this time I wasn’t backing away. I needed something that could reassure me, I needed a little hope to keep going, to keep fighting. I could settle with a friendship, with having her in my life. I would fight for that.

Of course I wanted more, I wanted her to be mine, but as stupid as I felt I would accept whatever she could give me.

 

The dark room seemed to enhance her beautiful features, but also it stand out the flint of…fear? In her eyes when I took another step slowly closing the gap between us. “Soph” she pleaded in a quiet voice, moving away until she found the kitchen counter, gripping it with her hands for dear life, as I was too, to the last bullet I had.

I took a big breath placing my hands either side of hers, whose knuckles were now white. I leaned into her, hot breath tickling her lips. Her breath becoming erratic and swallow. “ Tell me you don’t feel it, tell me your skin doesn’t tingle all over your body” I reached her fringe to brush it out of her face. She closed her eyes as I pushed my lower half slightly into her , placing my hands on the curve of her back, over her waist. But I simply hugged her, nothing else, hiding my head on the crook of her neck, enjoying way too much how the heat irradiating from her body was making me feel.

She never relaxed into the embrace though. I didn’t know if it was because she didn’t want to be anywhere  close to me, so after some good five minutes I licked my lips and unwrapped my arms from around her, bitting my lip as I was trying to hold the tears pooling. I moved to look into her eyes, cold and dark, knowing full well it was going to be the last time we talked or touched, I finally leaned in, carefully, opening my mouth to take her bottom lip between mine, not moving, just not waiting, just feeling, until a tear rolled down, not mine. Eventually I moved into the kiss, desperate for more, grasping lightly her cheeks with my hands.

“Tell me you don’t feel that” I muttered when I leaned out.

“No”

 

Well that is my story, the story of how I fell in love with my best friend and she simply thought it was disgusting and never talked to me again. That day, the day she left, I don’t remember much until my sister found me in the bathroom.  I couldn’t breath and my heart pounded. I felt like my skin was pushing, like my body couldn’t contain all the pain. I don’t even know how to explain it. The pain inside of me didn’t feel emotional at all, my whole body hurt. The only way I have to explain it is that the pain inside of me was pushing to come out of me, pushing my skin, my flesh and every part of my body felt like a balloon like someone was blowing and blowing until it was about to burst.It felt like…burning. My lungs were burning and my throat didn’t allow me to breath properly, I guess it was because of the tears. My eyes hurt and my vision was blurred. Every homophobic insult was playing in my head. I could see Sian saying that it was a mental disease and that God hated me, that I could never be normal and loved. I needed to release all the pain, I felt so, so frustrated and I didn’t know how to stop my brain from that thoughts. I broke my tights in a rash of rage taking off my shirt and my skirt forcefully. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I released a chocked scream that burned my throat even more. My motion capacity and motor skills were lost somewhere between the moment I broke my shirt and when I collapsed on the floor. I was torturing myself. Even though I couldn’t see properly all the things that reminded me of Sian were in my room. I felt awful and a wave of nausea was the last thing I needed. I had to run to the bathroom, tripping with everything, but mostly with myself until I broke down on the bathroom floor.

The next couple of days were spent in my bedroom floor, doing nothing, not even eating or showering. Rosie tried to take care of me and cover me with my parents. Self destruction button was long ago pressed and I couldn’t find a way out.

I hadn’t talked since I last saw Sian. Rosie tried to make me say something but it didn’t seem right. Words couldn’t be formed and the only way of communication was nodding. I nodded to everything since I didn’t actually care. This may seem quite exaggerated, but I am telling you that you should be warned of it, how being a slave of your emotions can make you feel. All the things I felt, and still feel, are true.

After the weekend life needed to continue for me, I had my final exams, the only way to uni, but I wasn’t able to do anything, not even sleep. Thank god my first exam was math. The feeling of pain and burning led to numbness. I felt nothing. I didn’t feel angry, I could barely sleep even though I was tired all the time. I felt like I was dragging myself along, my life was dragging me along and I didn’t have anything to look forward to.

 I saw Sian, we were on the same class, but I have to thank God that the actual classes were over, we just went to our exams. Studying was something that kept my head and my time occupied, and also a great excuse of my lack of talking, or actually doing anything apart from studying. 

I passed with great grades, but it didn’t change my condition whatsoever. My life was over, I had nothing, even though I got to go to the Manchester University where I’d always dreamed of going. I felt so lonely. Of course my family was there, as always. But I could say that my parents weren’t like the ones on tv films. Still I am grateful about Rosie. I wasn’t expecting her to take care of me, it was such a surprise that she was the one who tried to keep me going. She’s always been slutty and self-centered, even insulting me for attention, but deep down she was a great person and I owe her the kind of not so bad condition I am on now.

The anxiety and numbness never left though, even when Sian was completely out of my life. Now summer was over and Uni was about to start. Freshmen was supposed to be weird but great, getting used to uni. I should have been nervous, but I couldn’t care less about anything anymore, I made some…not so good decisions this summer, but it was over now. Everything was over now.

 

**You show the lights that stop me turn to stone you shine it when I'm alone. And so I tell myself that I'll be strong and dreang when you're gone.**

 


	4. Epilogue

**It lies ,the truth, on the simplicity of it all. either to live, or rather enjoy, real life, or survive to the circumstances, to the role we are meant to play.  Luck can find us and send our other half right to our side, or maybe we have to look for it. It is all up to our decision, the philosophy we choose to lead our life, since we can let joy slid out of our fingers, or we can hug it tight and never let go. Sian let Sophie go, and with her, life left Sian too.**

I made my way through the cold Manchester streets. It wasn't late, just half past 6 but being October in England I was cold, I knew I should have brought my leather jacket. I am not tight talking about money, I was actually making my way to the dorms from work, but I didn't want to waste money on the bus when I could walk. It's always been my thing, I always went everywhere walking. although I am a really lazy person I liked to watch the people and the city pass by. Also as I said I am a lazy person and never went to the gym but I liked to stay in shape you know.

during my break I found a nice park near my job, I am a bartender on a cafe just to let you know, and decided to change the way I always took to come back. It was beautiful and calming. I needed it today. I felt melancholic, I don't know why. I just woke up and felt empty, lonely. I haven't trusted anyone since...her, and I lost contact with all my friends. I wanted to start fresh to be honest.

 I met some new friends at uni and the dorms, they are really nice but I feel like I don't belong, like something is missing. of course I know what is missing...or rather who, i just don't want to accept it. It is the way I react to everything, I don't like it so I push it away and pretend that nothing happened., that everything is okay. Nothing is okay now though. I still don't understand how my life could change so much during the year. I actually am the trigger of everything but I didn't expect  it to go the way it went. I shake my head side to side feeling disappointed on myself, but when I lifted my head I saw that long brown hair. at first it was weird, it couldn’t be her.

 I have seen her around our campus of course since she attends manchester’s university too, so why was seeing her in a park of Manchester bothering me so much.? Maybe it isn't her though . I am actually a nearsighted, it could be anyone with brown long hair. Still what was she doing there if it was indeed her.. I even halted as memories where triggered back in my head.

The most amazing feeling in the world…? Waking up to her, there Is nothing more beautiful than Sophie laid by my side, her skin touching mine, her long brown hair tickling me…beautiful. I wasn’t used to the cheesy kind of stuff, I used to be just a shag to everyone, but Sophie made me realize what I was missing on.

I used to wake up before her because I didn’t like talking to people after ,you know, doing it, but with Sophie all I wanted was to feel her there, by my side. It’s a cliché, I know, but I didn’t want to watch her sleep, that’s creepy. Okay I accept it I watched her sometimes, but the main thing I wanted was to feel her warmness and the tingle of our skins gracing together. I would run my fingertips over her collarbone, admiring how tanned her skin was under the morning sun, I would slip my hand under her shirt to caress her abs or simply plant a trail of kisses over her bare skin, and when I saw her stirring I would  think of whispering in her ear how amazing she was, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. You should know by now how much of a coward I am.

 I know I turned into such a goof though. Once I regretted being so…I don’t know… in love? How it changed me, how soph changed me, but growing apart from the most important person In your life because it was supposedly wrong…it is just sad.

I usually said:’ how people can sleep all night in the same bed, I mean even in a king sized? I need my space!’ Sophie changed that. Not when we started fooling around, before that. I always came over to hers and we would sleep in the same tiny bed, it didn’t bother me. we were like 4 or 5 when we started doing that and all I remember from those days is how safe and complete I felt, I was just having fun with my best friend. I guess when we grew up it became kind of an issue, but I could cope with Sophie invading my personal space, it was just Sophie, my best friend.

The darkness had engulfed me into its huge arms, erasing everything that made my life special, except for Sophie, but Sophie was something absolutely unexpected, she was like a light bulb without adjusting, that lights the room but when I found out that I had feelings for her, that light shined and  it painted my life, showing so much different colours.  You must be wondering now why I left her, well I was scared. There is an explanation, not a good one but still at least is something.

You might be thinking that I rushed through the park to that person who was supposedly Sophie, well I actually rushed home as fast as I could, speeding like a fucking coward. I am that sad. I was scared okay, I still love her and thinking about how much pain I caused her... It kills me. Every time I crossed paths with her at the campus I looked to the floor and kept walking, thinking that she would need space, and that eventually she would forgive me, but I am SO scared that she might never forgive that I try to avoid the pain, or the rejection I guess. I long ago accepted that Sophie was gone for good and I could do nothing about it but I still have hope in our love. I at least need her as my best friend, the one I spent my Christmas with,the one that always would grab my hand and smile when someone dissapointed me,the one that would give me a hug when things weren't going as I wanted them to,the one that would just push me out of the door give me some sleeping wear and force me to sleep over to hers every time we heard my parents arguing.

I didn't sleep that night. I simply couldn't. My thoughts were killing me and it was caused by seeing Sophie siting in a bench in my favourite park, how stupid did that sound. I tried to do something productive and read the book that one of my teachers told us to read due to the following week but my head was all over the place, I saw words, sentences I read them but I didn't have a clue of what the fuck was it about, and it could be about law or about Narnia I would give the same amount of fucks. So I put it down and went to bed. again turned and turned not being comfortable enough and reaching a peaceful slumber 10 minutes before my alarm rang. I didn't want this, it I didn't  want to think every minute of every day of how awesome would be being her best friend again, how much I wanted to kiss her, how fun would be go on a date with her, how I want to be romantic with her for the first time on my life... But neither do I want a life of misery and numbness without her.

A week passed and I saw her every day on the same spot, reading. My life after we argued didn't have any fun. Actually my life hadn't got anything at all. I developed a increasing hate on people, I hate uni but it keeps my head occupied and I have to work. I feel productive and all but I truly hate everything. I don't like anything, I don't do anything I just work and pretend to be nice with my "friends" , that's my life. Oh and I like to sleep. It's the only thing I look forward to. However after a week seeing Sophie it felt intimate, I really looked forward to see her that 5 minutes every day. My resolution was to do something. I still didn't  know what, but I'd think of something. I've always been a girl of action, so I decided that I'd just improvise and do whatever I want to do. The next day coming back from work she was there again. All I wanted was to hear her voice again. I was about to leg it when I saw her flick the page of the book she was reading and readjust her glasses. She looked so cute.

 I licked my lips and walked up to her slowly, she didn't realize I was approaching her though. I closed the gap and sat beside her, keeping some separation between us, I didn't want her to think I was going to rape her or something. She pursed her lips together and narrowed her eyes in concentration. I loved it when she focused on something, mostly when she was reading. She has always been an avid reader and when she found a book she really liked it was like the world faded and there was nothing else. I could tell her to stop reading to do something, real life was happening while she was just loving some fictional character.

she would read the last line look up from the book to her surroundings, like she didn't knew where she was, like coming back from her fantasy world and say: you won't ever understand it Sian.

The passion she felt for reading was only comparable with the passion I felt for her, I could look at her for hours and not be able of looking away.

 When she felt a presence she looked up briefly. I offered her a shy smile but, confused, she looked down to the book like searching there for answers and then looked at me again."hi there too “I said frowning but keeping my smile firmly in place. I bothered her with my presence that much?, she is never rude to anyone. She sighed and started to gather her stuff, not looking at me again She raised her eyebrows and pursed her lips. "what are you doing here Sian?" she said quietly, it even sounded exasperated. I stood up abruptly. "you need to give me some time. You know me. I am not like you. You know I need time"

"I know Sophie. I am not asking you to forgive me, I am asking you to tell me if you will ever forgive me"I paused to look at her, with my hands in my pockets so she didn't see my hands fidgeting and how at Edge I felt. I didn't want to pressure her whatsoever.

 She looked down not answering. "a week Sophie, I'll meet you here in a week at this hour and you will tell me if you will ever want something to be with me" I left, not looking back.

I looked her way every time I passed the park but she wasn't there, all I saw was the ghost of my hope telling me it was over, for good this time. It is alarming how a little gesture can give you hope after months of darkness to encourage you to follow your desires and look for your own fate, but fate is twisted, it gives you hope and when you're finally seeing light, slightly reaching happiness, everything is gone, and you're left worse than before.

After everything crashed down with Sophie I used to believe in God, I think I still love him and know deep down that he is looking out for me. Anyway I still love Sophie too and  see where it led me. That's why I lost hope on God, if something so pure and beutiful can let you down and make you fall into a state of quasi-living why would god exist,if he is not looking after us.

 Every day at the same hour my heart started to beat faster, getting nervous even though I know she wasn't going to be there. My whole day was spent looking forward to see her from afar. It was sad. Because then when all my hopes and my whole day revolved to seeing her she stopped coming and my stomach would drop. The first time I didn't see her it felt like my heart had left my chest and my inner body felt empty all over again.

 When we argued I didn't feel like that because I was the one that caused it I knew what was coming, not that it was going to hit me that hard, but still I was expecting some pain. This time however it was completely unexpected, and just caused by not seeing her in a flaming park. My brain started to ramble and it killed me even more, I thought that she didn't want to see me ever again, or that she was hurt, or that something worse had happened to her, or that she moved out, that she got out of uni, that a truck had knocked her down, that a toilet had flushed and swallowed her... It was truly killing me.  I hadn't seen Sophie in the campus either and I didn't know whether she was a just avoiding me or that toilet had indeed eaten her.

The worse thing about it was that every day at the same hour I would build up my hopes and crush them myself when I passed the spot.

 I arrived at my room crying every day. I felt completely empty. Then the day arrived. I had lost all hope after the whole week not seeing her, but in the pit of my stomach butterflies started to appear as I moved through the kitchen. My lectures passed by as if I was in a train looking through the windows. I didn't focus on anything all day, I didn't take notes, I just stood there looking lost. I was indeed lost though. At work I just stood on the counter till I heard someone yelling to catch my attention. It was annoying, but I can understand it.

Then it was time to go back home, time to see if Sophie would give me another chance. I was almost sure that she wasn't going to be there, but I still felt my jaw clenching and  my hands fidgeting with the hem of my jumper. I walked slowly through the park trying to hold the nerves that were building up inside of me. The couple of leaves that had already fallen crashed under my feet, the scenario was coloured by the sunset, with yellow and brown. It was beautiful as, the typical cloudy day when the sky was of an intense blue and clouds were white as feather.

I lowered my sight and my stomach churned, I gritted my teeth and closed my eyes tightly. She wasn't there. A sob was painfully creeping up my throat but I wasn't going to cry in public even though the park was empty. I was alone, and never felt that lonely. My life wasn't life any more, it was over, but I was too proud to commit suicide, I just had to keep going, although I didn't know where. I lost everything, not only Sophie.

I sat on the edge of the bench where I always saw Sophie, embracing my body, trying to hold myself together, but I was breaking, my stomach dropped and my heart was spoiling bit by bit. I closed my eyes trying to imagine that warm body cuddling me, but all I felt was coldness, coldness on my veins and on my body. After a while of sitting there, trying not to cry I realized I needed to express feelings somehow or I was going to explode. So I went home. I crashed down on the floor the moment I crossed the doorstep, I started sobbing and curled into a ball, all my belongings laying forgotten on the floor. I tried to get up, but all my energy left.

Eventually I went to the shower, lucky me I had my own bathroom. I let the hot water relax my tense flesh but my brain couldn't shut the fuck up. and I started crying all over again. This time I was sobbing violently, my body was shaking and I could barely breathe. When the water run cold and I couldn't bear it any longer I jumped out of the shower and got into my bed after wrapping myself in a towel. I couldn't be bothered to get changed, or dry myself for that matter. Despite my exhaustion thanks to the hysterical crying I couldn't sleep, I settled for closing my eyes and at least rest.

Then I heard a quite knock on the door, after arguing with myself to whether leave or open the door I got up and opened, covering myself with the duvet, I was freezing. She was there, her back to me looking up and down the corridor, her breath rapid. She looked at me, breathing through her mouth. Her chest raising and falling. She curved her lips in a shy smile, but as she looked inside her expression turned into confusion and then she frowned.

Sophie was in my fucking doorstep and we haven't said anything yet. She turned me by my shoulders and let me collapse on the bed again. "What is this mess Sian?" she sighed. As always she was obsessed with control and cleaning. I simply shrugged and cuddled into the covers.

"don't do it Sophie, please" she moved from the floor after gathering all the clothes I splattered when I arrived. She smiled and said "but I want to" a little flame started shinning inside of me. Maybe, just maybe... She could forgive me. After tiding everything up she sat on the foot of my bed and looked at me. "let me brush your hair" oh good I forgot, I was in right a state... She ruffled through my bathroom and when she came back she opened the drawers picking some clothes. She tugged at my duvet and I gripped it tighter "oh come on Sian as if I hadn't seen you naked" I shake my head again for her to leave me. And besides how did she know I was naked?

 She put the clothes on my bed and turned around sitting on my desk chair. "okay I'll sit here till you are done"  and then she turned around and started organising my desk. It was cute. I was still all over the place and I didn't  want Sophie to see me like this but it was comforting to have her looking after me. I didn't feel so lonely anymore. I made the attempt to go to the bathroom to get changed but my legs felt like jelly, and despite the initial awkwardness I finished getting changed, setting the towel on the basket.  

She turned around in the chair and looked at me as I stood awkwardly not daring to catch her sight. "what are you doing here soph" I crossed my arms firmly over my chest as she chuckled "Well I believe you obliged me to meet up today" I clenched my jaw and turned sitting on the foot of my bed. "I... I thought that you didn't want to see me again when you weren't in the park..." I stuttered. The hairbrush laying forgotten in my desk.

"I wasn't going to go actually... "my stomach dropped a little at her statement" but I thought that life is too short to be wasting time on pride" for the first time in a long time I felt my heart warm and a smile tugged at my lips. "at least I want to hear an explanation"

I've been waiting for this more than a year and didn’t  seem to be able to stut a word. I want to explain myself, I want to get everything out of my chest and move On, with or without Sophie, preferably with but I can't ask her that. I shuffled in the bed until I was resting oN the headboard. Sophie moved closer resting her feet on the bed

 "you don't mind me taking off my shoes do you? “She asked after already doing it. I shook my head smiling tenderly. She always did that, she said it made her feel at home, but I failed to divert the connotations until now . We were some weird pair but our odd customs seem to click together, you know? she was my home too.

However this didn't feel home at all, her coming here. Giving me an opportunity to explain myself opened a door to a whole new stage that wasn't something I was used to, it was my living room or her room or even our college, it felt like the first day at uni when you don't spot anyone nearly known and you feel isolated on a crowded room.

I was glad that she felt comfortable enough to do it, to take her shoes off, but I didn't feel anywhere comfortable, a whole new range of emotions washed through me, but this new stage was creeping me out. I felt the audience looking at me expectantly, clearing their throats as the main light focused on me. The tension was building up between us, we knew what was coming next, how important it was for our relationship and our future, even if we had one... but i didn't seem to form any reasonable enough sentence.

" I... I... Fuck sorry Sophie I don't know what to say, I've wanted this for so long and now I don't know what to say... "I've always had problems with talking about my feelings, not with Sophie though, but now it seems that she turns me into a nervous wreck.

" Well... Tell me about your parents first. I was really worried you know, still am " It made my heart skip a beat, she used present time, she was talking about now, her, the girl whose heart I broke and I thought I'd lost forever was worried about me.. And there was the hope creeping up my belly again. Sophie threw a pen from my desk at me pushing me out of my daydream. See, it meant she was at ease, it meant she was cool with me and the situation, and it made me smile. I had to tell her.

"I... That night..." we both knew which night I was talking about “they broke up" I shrugged trying to look nonchalant, but Sophie knew me too well, she knew still couldn't believe it. "but-" I knew what she was going to say

"I know they looked right after they bought the house of Southport but I guess I wasn't really focused on them to see what was coming... " I've never talked about my parents with anyone before, I don't trust anyone anymore, not really, the only person I could talk to honestly was Sophie and I pushed her away. I deserve it though, not having anyone I mean. Anyway I was never good at talking about my feelings, Sophie made everything easier.

" Sian... "see I was daydreaming again, I was used to it by now, the happiest moments of my life are daydreaming and sleeping. Sad I know, I am pathetic. But now I wanted my life back, I wanted Sophie back. I knew it was going to take time, I needed to regain her trust with actions, not words but first I owed her an explanation.

" I need to know... It's been eating me up... "she looked worse than I thought, I saw pain in her eyes. It killed me to know I was the reason of it" do you really believe the things you said to me...? "that was it the main problem, the thing that broke both our hearts.

" I did believe it Sophie, and the guilt physically hurts, everyday my insides ache for the things I said because I actually believed it"I wanted to be all suave and cool, I needed my girl back didn't t I? And I wasn't going to do that in the state was, tears rolling down my face. "I've grown up around that ideals you know my father... You know how he is. And... They are my parents, but everyone around me thought it was wrong and if they loved me why would they lie to me? It's naive and stupid but I trusted them…"

"I trusted you too Sian and you were a hypocrite bit-" she snapped at me, I flinched she had that hard look on her face... But I couldn't blame he it was all my fault

"I know... "i said not able to look at those gorgeous eyes that were now burning a hole in me" I am sorry I dint mean to say that “and she was now apologizing look how cute she is "don't soph, I am the one that should apologize but I can't put into words how sorry I am"

I needed to tell her what happened that night “when I came back home, after arguing with Ryan... "I started with a low voice" what happened with Ryan Sian? "and cold soph is back again, but was she jealous? Maybe I was reading to much on to it... But was she?" we just.... He said some nasty things about you, about us... And I snapped. But I believed him, I believed I was sick. I don't know why… he is such a dick... "

" he knows about us" it was more a statement than a question but I shook my head quickly “I’ve never told anyone soph"It came out wrong, I dint mean it as if she was my dirty little secret, she Was my everything but after what I did to her I didn't know if she wanted people to know, I just said we fell apart  when people asked me. "so.. I came home with Ryan and we were still arguing about how 'disgusting' lesbians are and my parents were there in the kitchen. My father started saying things and I don't know I just started yelling. It was crazy and then my father told me they were divorcing. My mom was packing to go to Southport. She lives now there”

We are just stood there looking at each other not daring to say anything" I am sorry that I took it all out on you, but I truly felt disgusting, not you.. I never ever thought of you as a sinner or i don't know, you were just you but liking girls, and when everything between us started it was nice, but soon I realized what we were doing and... I thought it was wrong. But I don't regret anything soph I promise I just regret hurting you. " I thought she was the most amazing thing that ever happened to me, all I'd got was her all I am is because of her…

 she was speechless, or that's what she looked like. It was all out now. I hope she could forgive me. I needed to know something too, rumors spread and I needed to know the truth..." did you.. I heard..." i didn't know how to put in on words so I just blurted it out

"did you sleep with dave?" she looked at me and blushed looking down again. it was true wasn't it? I felt like someone stabbed me. I don't know why, I let her go, ME.

" I think i've got my answer then" I muttered. It was all my fucking fault.

 "I... I am not proud of it, at least I know now that i am gay" I was glad that she was the confused anymore but it didn’t mean it wouldn't hurt like a bitch.

 "Well I think we proved that enough" I said giggling, she giggled too but deep down I said it with a bittersweet feeling, not liking a bit the fact she did it with that prick.

 Oh gosh how much I missed her laugh though. I think we both relaxed a little, or maybe it was just myself hoping. Actually a crimson patch started spreading over Sophie’s face as she looked everywhere but at me. awesome I so made things awkward,  I changed the topic as fast as I could.

 "so... How's been uni for you so far?" I uttered smiling shyly.

 “Now in idle chat stage are we?” she said chuckling slightly.

 I guess it was a reference to my inclination to run avoiding any touchy subject. “It’s been… eventful and stressing, but I like it, I am really liking it.” I was glad that after everything she went through she was happy now, I saw genuine happiness on her eyes and that warmed my heart a little bit more.

“I…I still feel like something is missing you know? We made these huge plans to do a lot of stuff together and then…we fell apart…and all my future seemed to fade away, all the things I looked forward to. Yes, I got into uni and then what?” The conversation was getting intense all over again. I knew this had to be done, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t going to hurt. The vain concept of us simply making up like a bird could fly, or a fish could swim sounded stupid in my head now. It’s always been stupid, I never realized the utter naivetés of it.

“I know it’s my fault for believing something good would last more than 5 minutes” she railed, showing on her beautiful features the feelings it brought back. “But…nothing can change how much you hurt me Sian” Tears were again falling down our faces.

“And nothing I do can ever prove how sorry I am Sophie”I mumbled shakily. I was looking at her through wet eyelashes, dwelling on the pain seeing her cry was making me feel. Despair was escalating through my heart, but I had to keep fighting, I simply had to. However we hadn't talked about anything yet, everything was out, but only facts, and it opened another door, a door I didn't want to step in. A door to a new stage where emotions danced freely, there was no audience, there was nothing, just darkness, waiting for me to shape something, to bring the light. But I was so afraid I was going to step onto something and fall, that I just stood there, in the doorway.

I started sobbing, first slowly, quitely, but then a whole storm flooded my brain, lightning and thunder fogged my mind, and my sobbing grew harder. I bent my knees to rest my head upon them, hiding my face, I didn’t want Sophie to see me like this, enough was enough, yet I couldn’t stop, all the feelings were too much for my small, damaged heart.

She moved forward, towards me,  I could hear the wheels of my desk chair move, and then felt my mattress sink slightly beside me. I didn’t lift my head. I couldn’t. Then she embraced me, warm arms tugging me closer, so close that I could feel her heart beat.

 Finally I let go of my knees and got comfortable resting my head on the crook of her neck, still sitting. It didn’t help soothing my pain though, my throat was now throbbing and my eyes hurt. I tried to swallow, only choking in the way.  Sophie caressed my hair, finally settling in a quiet cry.

 “better now?” she asked tenderly, however I wasn’t even able to voice a simple yes, so I just nodded on her neck. “I’ve been there too you know” she continued sensing my despair and lack of will to talk, so I listened” I can feel your self-loathing, you have to stop it and just…keep on, its not healthy…you will end up..wanting to kill yourself” I rised my head at that statement even though her firm grip.

I bet I looked unsure, I felt like my life was trembling, but I had to be strong. I asked myself whether I wanted to keep on like this or not. I for sure knew I wanted Sophie in my life and staying there not saying anything wasn’t going to help the matter, despite my fear and endless self-loathing this was my opportunity and not everyone is given second chances. I can count myself lucky.

 No surfboards can navigate those tricky waves that love sends our way, but you can always try. Besides after a tsunami you can count on the regular changing patterns of the tide, and that regular tide, that feeling of peace on the pit of your stomach, that warmness the sun carries, leaving your skin tingling…I missed it, I wanted it. Thanks to my stupid trust on other’s ideals, my habit of not forming my own opinion to avoid any kind of confrontation led me to lose that, but I wasn’t going to stay there, fearing any kind of change, when it would be always for the better, since darkness didn’t scare me anymore I went through so much alone to be now frightened by it,

“I am sorry too-“

“I want to marry you “We spoke at the same time. Well I rather squealed in a loud voice. I don’t know what overcame me, I just felt it at the bottom of my heart.

“What?” she asked with a high pitched voice, she coughed, eyebrows shooting up on her face and eyes wide open, reaching my sight and gluing her eyes to mine.

“I said” I started calmly, a smile tugging at my lips as I inched slowly closer to her” that I want to marry you, someday, Sophie Webster” That was it, I made my choice, I would do whatever it took to have her back, and I promised to myself that one day I would marry her.

“But..what…I mean..you…what?!” she was obviously confused, I could tell, but I was telling the truth, she’d always longed for forever and I was certainly going to give her a forever. Her confusion serving as a foil to my happiness, she was here, with me, and I was quite positive she was going to forgive me, why would I be unhappy?

“Come here please Sophie” I said sweetly. She looked unsure about it but she eventually complied. She sat carefully again, leaving a light gap between us, and not sharing my sight once. I reached for her hand slowly, to squeeze her soft flesh and long fingers, trying to lift her eyes, even though it was not the time to get lost on that blue orbs.

“I need to tell you something, and then you will understand.” She nodded and I started to pour my heart out to her” every Monday, at work I see the same old woman coming at 1 o’clock, have a tea, a piece of cake, read a book, the same book, and then leave at 2. I’ve been working there since the start of September,last year, and she keeps coming every Monday, not failing once to smile at me and wave sweetly. One day there was a loud storm out, British weather you know, so the only customer that Monday was her, and I couldn’t let her leave during that storm, so we just stayed there until it quieted down. She told me that she married her husband when she was 18, quite soon I told her, but she chuckled and said that she wouldn’t regret it, that’s for sure. They’d been married for over 50 years, and my heart melted then, you know, deep down I am a hopeless romantic. They used to spend every hour, every minute of the weekend together, even when they moved in their own house, since back then he would work over 12 hours every day, even on Saturdays some times. Then, she started working too, they needed the money and despite his opposition she did it anyway, so they would spend even less time together. One day he asked her to have lunch together on a small coffee just between their buildings, since Monday was like hell to them after spending 48 hours laughing, kissing, going out or simply cuddling under the duvet. So on Mondays, spending 12 hours on their own was the most awful pain. After their little lunch they were quite reluctant to part from each other again, but they had to. The following Monday he went to pick her up to have lunch again, as a surprise, since they both had made their lunch previously at home. She smiled the biggest of smiles, with her eyes glittering and told me that every Monday after that they meet up there, in the cafe I work, to have lunch together, it would brighten her day and the rest of her week. Her husband died two years ago, it didn’t falter the smile of her face, she only smiled wider. I said I was sorry for her loss, of course, but she only told me that I didn’t had to say it, because death is not a wall for their love, death is not a stop to their love, it would last forever, even when no one remembered them anymore, when faded black and white pictures would disappear, their love was forever, and she’d rather love and lost, that never loved at all.”

I hadn’t realized that tears were streaming freely, but a smile adorned my face all the way through the story. I knew she was lost for words, I could see it on her face, on the way her hand gripped mine.

” I have seen you with Jack, how you look at him and smile at his baby face. He is just like you, but you want one of your own.” I blushed but kept talking” You’ve always loved kids, you’ll be a great mother for them…and I want you to be the mother of my children. I know it sounds scary and awfully ridiculous since we are only 18, but it doesn’t mean I am less right and sure of it. I loved and I lost, but I just pray to have the opportunity to love you again. Please”

 She didn’t answer me, I knew her, I knew she needed time and I was going to give it to her, that was for sure, so we just settled resting on the headboard, my head on her shoulder, and stayed there, I minute, or an hour, perhaps a year, I don’t really know, I just know it felt like heaven.  

It was dark out when I opened my eyes, I saw 1:00 on my bedside clock. Sophie also woke up when she felt me stirring, I didn’t want to disturb her, I just couldn’t help but maneuver myself to look at her gorgeous face. She asked me for the time and then she stood up quickly.

“Soph stay here.” I said, rather ordered her. She looked almost afraid.

“I cant, you know I cant. You know I need time” yes, I knew indeed she needed time, but I wasn’t going to let her cross the whole town in the middle of the night. So I stood up too, trying to look a little bit coercing.

 “I wont let you go Sophie”I exclaimed, putting more meaning into it than I thought I could”, you know that as well as I do, so don’t try and argue with me” she was about to speak again “I’ll sleep on the floor, I’ll set some blankets, its ok really. You are staying” After a little more of convincing and setting my improvised mattress she borrowed some sleep wear and went to bed. We hadn’t even had supper, but we were exhausted after everything. It felt like a punishment to lay so close to her in her peaceful slumber and yet so far away, and even after my way too eventful day I couldn’t even close my eyes, let alone sleep. It was a small, but constant pace right to her heart again. I wasn’t going to make any mistakes this time, well I certainly was, we are human after all, but what I mean is that I am going to do this right the second time around. It’s the least I can do.

So I sat up and looked at her, chest raising and falling. She is so beautiful. And the aching of my hurt didn’t falter, but at least it wasn’t as a result of darkness anymore, but as a result of love. The love Sophie was giving me a chance to prove.

 

Soon enough, after that night a letter arrived at the #4 of coronation street, even though I wasn’t all that sure, it needed to be done. I guess in the end a love letter is the ultimate romantic gesture isn’t it?

_Hi Soph, Im writing you a letter because once my father told me to not write anything down that you don’t want people to know, because it will last forever, well I want to write down all the things you made and make me feel because I want our love to last forever._

_Maybe if we give up on us we could move on, you know time heals, maybe we could love again, but time only heals broken hearts, without you a part of my heart is missing, and that won’t ever heal unless you forgive me. I know I am asking for too much, but I told you, I wont win you back with words I’ll do it with actions, I’ll show you how much I love you and all the things I would do to be with you, just one last chance, that’s all I need. I’m writing this letter right after I talked to you, the night you stayed, this is the last chance, the last thing I am going to do to get you back. I thought of making you lunch, sending you roses, picking you up after every lecture, walking you home, and every clichéd gesture. now it is your choice whether you’ll give me a chance or not, whether you’ll burn this letter or keep it forever._

_I know we became strangers, but I got tired of fighting against the hands of the clock, even though I know our time expired and its only because of my stupid fears. But I think it is worthless to wait even more. You taught me that, you told me to stop my self-loathing, but how can i? how can I not punish myself over hurting the most beautiful thing I had in my life? But you had to leave. I had to push you away._

_I convinced myself it was for the better, that I would be so much better on my own..that you would be so much better without me, but that’s just another lie._

_Maybe it is just me who can’t forget the kisses we hid in my room, maybe it was your voice that reminded me of all the passion that we hid in your room. Just don’t forget everything we ever had. Yes, I threw it all in your face, all the things we did, all the presents, all the love…but as I said I was scared…can you blame me? Well yes, you can blame, and that’s the worst thing of it all. It is not an excuse; it is just the only reasonable enough explanation for what I did. And it is not a good one anyway._

_Winter without you was even colder, but you wanted to put the summer in me, you wanted to paint the sunlight in me and wash my flaws away, and I was so scared. I let you down,I let you go, but now I realize how far I’d go to get you back, how much I want to emerge from the darkness._

_Yes, after more than 10 years of having you in my life, and after the biggest of the fuck ups I realize I shouldn’t ever have left your side when your tears were falling down your face, when your heart was bleeding, and I was the cause…_

_Then you were there again, just a few inches away from me, after a year, you hugged me, soft and bittersweet and my heart started beating all over again. And laying there with you so close to me…it was just too hard to hold back im sorry if I am pushingyou,but I can tell by just looking into your eyes, I know you just too well, I can tell that somewhere love remains, but you could barely look at me…But just…just forgive me if I didn’t know how to love you._

_I just ask you to not be afraid, I have learned how to be brave for you...besides you promised forever and I am not scared of forever with you anymore.. so will you be able to keep your promise? I know it is too much to ask…but will you?_

_The first time it killed me to let you go, so the second time around don’t lie to me, don’t smile like there is nothing wrong. I am the one supposed to be running away, but I am done saying it is for the better because it’s not. I know you haven’t made your mind up yet, but I know from the moment I saw you again that it wasn’t the moment to for mistakes nor fears,  so I promise you forever and a day._

_Sincerely, Sian._


End file.
